Spam Archive 6.4.04:

Venue. It's a magazine about so tall and about yea wide and you find it in newsagents, convenience stores, garages, supermarkets, some pubs and the occasional fishmonger's. They'll all be getting the new ones on Wednesday, and the good news is that they'll let you have one of your own. If you give them money. You want to do that, because it's got ...

SPRING AND SUMMER PREVIWS - Time to look ahead to all the best that the season's got to offer. Venue's in-house experts have been casting their eye over the line-up and come up with the forthcoming highlights in the worlds of film, music, theatre, dance, comedy and art. See special spring/summer previews throughout the magazine.

THE BUILDERS ARE IN - From Arnolfini to Watershed, numerous arts and entertainment venues in Bristol and Bath are getting a makeover. While some brand new ones are going to be built. Come join us and take a look. Put your hard hat on first.

HUGH THOMSON - The Bristol author, explorer and film-maker talks about his expeditions to the Andes and the Himalayas, and reveals how you can visit Macchu Pichu without leaving your armchair.

PLUS The truth about sumo wrestling; theatre ticket offer; the West in statistics; Thatcher's cider; family Easter outings and full details of all the entertainment round these parts this weekend next weekend and all the days in the middle.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who attached the outboard motor to his swivel-chair the other day.

(*Or phone 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £3.99 a month!)

Jokes ...

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big dsappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died!
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
(Thanks Stanley)

Was ist gelb-schwarz gestreift und hat Saegespaene im Mund?
Biene Maja, die Pinocchio einen geblasen hat.
(Thanks to Irmtraut of Hamburg. Maja the Bee is a famous German cartoon character, apparently.)

THE WIT & WISDOM OF GORDON STRACHAN
Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?
Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.
(Thanks to Happy GasGirl for those)

Q: How many Londoners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None of your f**king business mate.
(Thanks Jack)

"How many arts graduates does it take to change a light bulb?"
"Two - one to phone the electrician, and the other to phone his mother for the price of a bulb".
(Thanks John)

An English tourist goes into a chemist shop in Stockholm and says to the person behind the counter: I'd like some deodorant please.
The shop assistant replies (Swedish accent): "certainly sir, aerosol or ball?"
"No," replies the English bloke, "I just want the one for armpits."
(Thanks Rina)

An elderly Frenchman went to his parish priest and asked him to hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, in the middle of the War, a beautiful woman knocked on my door. She said she was in the resistance and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
(Thanks Janey)

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door to door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs Smith cut in blushing.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've done loads of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, embarrassed, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple in the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too - you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and I".
"Well Madam none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you will be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs Smith said quietly
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God," Mrs Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling and I could hardly concentrate.
"Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs Smith leaned forward, "you mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you are ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use the tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
(Thanks Robin. You win this issue's star prize of a goodie bag of crap singles, or a plastic bag full of orange peel. Please mail with postal address stating preference.)

Please send us jokes. We need jokes to continue our vital work (selling Venues);
One decent joke will sell an extra copy of Venue, giving a member of Venue staff 2p, which is enough to feed him/her for a week.
Two good jokes will pay for the annual de-lousing of our mattresses.
Three decent jokes will buy toilet paper.
Please keep them clean, or at any rate non-sweary, and free of rude body part words so's mail servers don't mistake Venue Spam for real spam.
The management makes us give a special prize to the best joke each week, some piece of rubbish from the office which we could sell for food or burn to keep warm.
Mail them jokes in reply to this message or to Spam@venue.co.uk
Gawd bless you, sir, madam, you have kindly faces.

Link I up, shipmates

Still not decided where to go on holiday this year?
www.molvania.com

Dress your cat up. Cute. In a Japanese sort of way.
www.petoffice.co.jp
(Thanks Dan)

The Period Table. Gross euphemisms and alternative expressions for The Curse.
www2.b3ta.com

Feed the crocodiles. Feed them babies. Crocodiles are an endangered species, but there's no shortage of babies.
www.zipperfish.com

Disgusting!
www.prawnography.net
(Thanks Robin)

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