|
It's noisy, it's crowded, it's hugely popular with all the most beautiful people in town ... Yes! The newsagent's shop is THE place to be seen - because it's got this week's Venue, with:
CLUBBING SPECIAL - Ten pages with all the essential updates on what's happening in Bristol and Bath's clubland: The DJs, the clubs, the music, the fashions, the future, the lot ... Plus the big bank holiday nightlife preview.
WHATCHING THE DETECTIVES - Join us on the streets with one of Bristol's top private investigators.
BIG FOOTBALL THING - Bristol's most important footballing fixture in a generation beckons, and if you don't normally know or care anything about football, you need Venue's guide to being a fair-weather City fan.
PLUS - Bath Fringe Festival ... Barbecue season - cremate sausages in style ... The Dot to Dot Festival ... Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford ... Win a year's gym membership! ... Half-term family fun ideas ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone they're giving away free tickets to the City game at your house.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
Carol and Linda were out for a Saturday afternoon stroll with their dogs, a German Shepherd and a Chihuahua. It was a hot day and Carol said to Linda, "why don't we go into that pub over there for a nice cool drink?"
"But we have our dogs with us," said Linda. "They won't let us in!"
"Yes they will," said Carol. "Watch ... And do as I do."
They crossed the road, and just before going into the pub, Carol put her sunglasses on. Linda followed her and put her glasses on too.
Inside the pub, the landlord at the bar raised his hand and said, "Sorry ladies, I'm afraid we don't allow dogs in here."
"But this is my guide-dog," said Carol, pointing to her German shepherd.
"Oh. I'm very sorry," said the landlord. "I didn't realise they were using German shepherds as guide dogs. I do apologise. Please come in!"
But then he turned to Linda pointing at her Chihuahua, saying, "But I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave."
"But this is MY guide dog," said Linda.
"Your guide dog is a Chihuahua?" said the landlord, incredulously.
"What!!" said Linda. "A Chihuahua?! The bastards gave me a Chihuahua!!??"
(Thanks Belle)
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his motorcycle, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A Guardian reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "That was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the Guardian, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"
"A Harley Davidson and I am a Conservative "
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The Guardian to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the first page ... HELLS ANGEL GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
(Thanks Jack)
Kevin comes home from a hard day at work to find his wife has left him a note saying she's gone shopping and will be back in an hour or two.
Bored, he sits down at the TV and is channel-hopping when he decides to watch one of the adult channels.
Soon, he is "taking matters in hand" and he's about to come when suddenly his wife comes into the room. She immediately drops her shopping bags, runs over, grabs hold of his thing and gives him a very satisfying b*** j**. The best one he's ever had, in fact.
Immediately it's over she just goes and picks up the bags and goes off to the kitchen, leaving Kevin sitting there amazed and stunned.
After a couple of minutes he recovers himself, goes to the kitchen where his wife is preparing dinner and says: "Thanks. That was wonderful. But we've not done anything in bed together for five years, and all of a sudden you do that. What happened?!"
To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."
(Thanks Maura (and sorry for the coy asterisks and euphemisms; we're trying to get this past corporate spamtraps.))
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a bottles of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man.
As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and this afternoon the doctor confirmed that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She replied: "What a coincidence!"
(Thanks Lauren)
A man is in hospital, and wakes up in his bed after a major operation. The consultant himself is there waiting for him. "I have some good news and some bad news," he says. "Which do you want first?"
"Tell me the bad news," says the man.
"Well," says the consultant, laughing nervously, "I'm afraid there was a bit of a mix up during the operation. The fact is that we were supposed to amputate your left leg, but we took off the right one by mistake. So tomorrow I'm afraid you're going to have to go back into theatre and we'll take off the left leg."
"What?!! " says the man. "So what the hell is the good news?"
"This is Mr Jones," he says, pointing to the man lying in the next bed. "He's offered £20 for your shoes."
(Thanks Terrence. You win this week's star spam prize, a small selection of CDs by cheesy performers your mum might like (including Aled Jones!). Mail us a postal address if you wan them.
Please send us jokes. We need jokes in the same way the flower needs the rain, or at least a regular watering, preferably in the early evening. Best joke each week wins a prize, the worst one wins nothing except the satisfaction of knowing you've not made us smile. So don't delay - hit that REPLY button now and drive your buzzing, vibrating, rechargeable-battery controlled humour into our inbox.
Websites a go-go
Painful. www.postimage.org
(Thanks Julian)
Comedy thing with Gary Beadle in. Not worksafe!! www.log.tv/Default.aspx
Cuteness overload www.aardschok.net
Polar bear cuteness www.chicagotribune.com
Are you fat? Then everything's your fault. news.bbc.co.uk
Kittens on a treadmill. Funnycute. 208.65.153.251
Painting on wall. www.funpic.hu/en.
Close-up pictures of sand. Amazing. discovermagazine.com/photos
Extinction timeline pradt.net/imgs/book/grand
Toilet signs around the world www.wackyarchives.com
China bringing police state to perfection - Naomi Klein www.rollingstone.com
Tiptoe through the tulips www.dailymail.co.uk/pages
And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised not to sell our clothes if you do.
Please note there will be no spam next week. The Spam Department is on "holiday". Apparently digging coal out of some of the most dangerous pits in Yorkshire is financially viable again.
You have been sent this email either because you asked to be added to the mailing list, or because you opted into the mailing list when taking out a free advert on the Venue website or because you gave us your address for mailings at an event, such as a university freshers' fair. See below for how to unsubscribe.
Cheers then.
..................................
::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
..................................
|
