This week's Venue is particularly tall, ice-cold and refreshing as it's got:

DRINKING OUT WEST - It comes FREE with this week's Venue - the only guidebook you'll ever need to the finest urban and country pubs in and around Bristol and Bath.

GLASTONBURIED? - As Glastonbury Festival fails to sell out for the first time in living memory, we go to Worthy Farm to talk to Michael Eavis and to bring you our top tips for this year's best acts.

BON JOVI - We catch up with the pensionable rockers as Jon Bon and co prepare to play one of the biggest Bristol gig slots this year.

PLUS - A new local museum that will amaze you ... Sandi Toksvig interview ... Meet Tempest from 'The Gladiators' (her real name is Lucy Boggis and she comes from Malmesbury) ... Get a free drink ... WIN Glastonbury tickets ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

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Young Tony, aged five, was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Nanny, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'NANNY, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds and Tommy's Mummy wants to talk to you.
(Thanks Peter)

A man walks up to his house and notices his Grandfather sitting on the porch with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaims. The old man looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
(Thanks Delge)

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19-year-old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
(Thanks Donna)

Airman Jones of the US Air Force had a job at the training centre where he advised new recruits on pay and benefits.
The Colonel soon noticed that Airman Jones was remarkably successful at selling GI Insurance policies.
Curious, the Colonel decided to go and watch Airman Jones at work, and stood quietly at the back of the room while Jones was addressing the rookies.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and are killed in the line of duty, the government has to pay $200,000 to your family. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"So," he concluded, "which people do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
(Thanks Di)

Tom, aged 17, and still at school, arrives home driving a Porsche.
His parents are astonished, demanding to know where he got it.
"I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "A car like that costs loads!"
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me £20."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for £20!!"
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name- -they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for twenty quid."
"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be some sort of abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go over to see her and demand to know what's going on."
Tom's father marched up to his new neighbour's house and fgound her in the front doing a spot of gardening. He introduced himself as the father of the lad who's just bought a Porsche off her for £20. and asked to know why she sold him the car so cheaply.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Jersey with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
(Thanks Ellie)

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently ... but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch."
The bloke perks up at this.
"So the thing is' the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "Have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," he says.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has."
"And what is it?" asks the doctor ...
"We're having a new kitchen."
(Thanks Jack. You win this week's star prize, a T-shirt and cap from new movie The Happening. Give us a postal address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes, specially ones we've not heard before and preferably without too many of the sort of words that'll get our spam caught by corporate spamtraps. Best one each week wins a prize of some stuff which, if you don't want it yourself, you might be able to trade for a cup of petrol. So don't delay - hit that REPLY button now and free our urgently pulsating inbox from the pants of gloom with your firm fingers of funnyness.

Weebsites

If this picture doesn't make you feel happy and smiley, you need to see a doctor. i31.tinypic.com/

Astonishing Japanese architecture. www.flickr.com/photos/

Things eating things. omnomnomnom.com

Business cards. reencoded.com/2008/06/15

World's most cantankerous old literary celebrity. www.nytimes.com/2008

Lovely aerial pics files.kavefish.com/pictures

Tough love www.worthalaugh.com/2008

How to design a space toilet www.geeksaresexy.net

Local Big Issue vendor has a blog www.thebigissueman.blogspot.com

New local traffic blog. bristolcars.blogspot.com

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