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Time to get the tent and camp out all night outside the newsagents to make sure you're at the front of the queue for this week's Venue (in the shops Wednesday) with:
CAMPING SPECIAL - Healthy fresh air, beautiful countryside, peace and quiet and a very cheap weekend break ... What's not to love about camping? We've got the top tent tips on the best places to go and what to bring.
TROUBLE BREWING - A year on from the smoking ban, and your local boozer is in trouble. Find out why so many of our favourite watering holes could soon be calling time at the bar for good.
PLUS - Keira Knightley in 'The Edge of Love' ... Martina Topley Bird interviewed ... Raymond Blanc interviewed ... Disco-funk aces Fattyboombastic ... What is that Bristol "cycling city" thing about? ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or the Council will run a cycle-path through your house.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
- I hear you're an orthinologist?
- No, but I am quite a keen wird batcher.
(Thanks Alice, who sends this "in memory of Humphrey Lyttleton".)
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together...
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No."
Johnny asks: "Do you know what I think...?"
Embarrassed, his mom replies, "I don"t want to hear what you think!
Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
Again, she replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
Still embarrassed, his mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school "
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
For a third time, his mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
But realising it's wrong to stifle childish curiosity, this time Johnny's mom relents and replies, "OK. Tell me what you think?"
Whereupon, Johnny says: "Well, last night, Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.
(Thanks Pam)
A joke from the Antipodes ... Helen Clark, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one ...
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
(Thanks Jack. Note to pedants: yes, the Australian PM is now Kevin Rudd.)
A man walked into the JobCentre office to sign on. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE claiming benefits. I'd really rather have a job."
The official behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is £85,000 a year."
The man, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're lying!"
The official said, "Yeah, well... you started it."
(Thanks Nick)
A businessman boarded a long haul flight and took his seat. As he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. She headed up the aisle and, sure enough, took the seat right next to him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the Annual National Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."
The man felt very excited. Not only was he sitting next to a beautiful woman, but from what she was saying she was probably also a nyphomaniac!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience as a sexologist to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths would those be?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when statistically it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that men with the most stamina and prowess in all categories are the Welsh."
Seeing the lascivious look on the man's face, the woman suddenly became more formal: "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you when I don't even know your name."
"Running Deer," the man said, "Running Deer Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Dai."
(Thanks Rina)
Why don't bears wear shoes?
Because they'd still have bear feet.
(Thanks Susie)
Dave is reading the paper, looking at a big colour photo of some of the England team's WAGs.
"Look at that," he says to his wife. "Wives and girlfriends of a load of really thick blokes whose only talent is kicking a bloody ball around, and who probably don't have any GCSEs between them! I'll never understand why the stupidest men always seem to end up with the most beautiful women!"
"Why thank you dear!" replies his wife.
(Thanks Polz)
A recent study found that the average British Citizen walks about 900 miles in a year.
Another study found that Brits drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, we Brits get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be British
(Thanks Sara. You win this week's star prize, yet another T-shirt and baseball cap promoting that movie The Happening. Mail us a postal address if you want it.)
Please send us jokes. Jokes make everything go happy and the best happy each week wins something that might make you happy because, well, winning free stuff is happy. Even if you don't want whatever you win, you can be happy that it's going to you, and not to landfill. So don’t delay – hit the REPLY button now and make our inbox so happy that it makes all sorts of squelching noises.
Websites of t'week:
The famous spoof Ladybird Book of the Policeman. Can't remember if we've spammed this out already, but have it again: eorant.ath.cx/police/ladybird
(Thanks Ian)
Best birthday cake in the world. www.bsideblog.com
(Thanks Jack)
Optical illusions www.illusionsciences.com
Extreme makeovers email-junk.com/picture
Yet another of those idiot Amazon lists, but this one is good and mostly spot-on www.amazon.co.uk/Pretentious-Movies-That-Might-
(Thanks Robin)
The sky over Mars www.boston.com/bigpicture
A very big drawing www.darkroastedblend.com
Loads of brilliant/wacky ideas to argue about in the pub www.globalideasbank.org
Who's more homophobic - rappers or religious nuts? www.radaronline.com/quiz
World's ugliest dog contest news.bbc.co.uk/1
How to have a siesta www.boston.com/bostonglobe
And please remember to buy Venue - the management have promised to bring us back a photograph of their luxury yurt at Glastonbury if you do.
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