You can't buy children at your local newsagents (not in Bristol anyway). But the newsagent does have the next best thing to children - this week's Venue:

SUMMER SURVIVAL GUIDE - Your FREE pull-out-'n'-keep guide to how to keep the little darlings amused over the summer, packed with ideas for places to visit and things to do. It's worth having babies just to have this guide. Really.

FULL CYCLE - The price of petrol's gone through the roof, you could do with getting a bit fitter AND Bristol's just become Cycling City. It's time to get on your bike and we've got your complete guide to joining Bristol's two-wheeled revolution.

WHAT'S YOUR GAME? - Who's for a round of scrotoss? Or kubb? Ditch that boring Frisbee - we've got plenty of better suggestions for summer games in the park.

PLUS - John Cleese interviewed ... Sherrie Eugene ... Bristol Cider Festival ... Brilliant new movie Wall-E ... The west's most colour graffiti-ed pubs ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who photoshopped those pictures of him going into Mama Mia! dressed as Agnetha.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild In your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and shagged a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
(Thanks Robin)

Q. What do you call a woman with no arsehole?
A. A divorcee.
(Thanks Jack)

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, and I feel fat and ugly...pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's perfect."
(Thanks Peter)

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
Everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are arranged alphabetically."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are colour-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."
(Thanks Nick)

A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila and looking over the menu, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are Cojones de Toro, or bull testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "It smells wonderful. I'll order some!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Senor, but we are out. You see, there is only one bull fight each morning so we can only serve that dish once a day. But if you come back tomorrow, I will reserve it for you."
"Sounds good," the cowboy said. "I'll be here!"
The next day, he returned and the waiter brought him the Cojones de Toro. They were quite a bit smaller than the ones he saw yesterday, but they still smelled wonderful and they were the best thing he had ever tasted. He called the waiter over.
"Sir, those were delicious!" he exclaimed. "But tell me something. I noticed they were a lot smaller than the ones you served yesterday. Why is this?"
"Ah, Senor," the waiter replied, "Sometimes the bull wins!"
(Thanks Ellie)

I used to hate going to weddings, because every time I did, my grandmothers and aunts and uncles would come up to me, poke me in the ribs and smile, saying "You're probably next!"
They only stopped doing it after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
(Thanks Josie)

After 53 years of marriage, Rosie lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought the ashes home.
Back home, she sat out at the table in the garden and emptied the urn onto it.
She started talking to her departed husband.
"Henry, you know that new coat you promised to buy me years ago? Well I bought it with the insurance money.
"Henry ... You remember the emerald necklace you promised to buy me? Well, I bought that, too, with the insurance money.
"And Henry ... the new car you promised me? You know, the nippy little number just like the one you bought for your, um, 'secretary' but which you never actually bought for me? Well, I got one with the insurance money.
"And Henry ... You remember that blow job I promised you?
"Well here it comes!"
(Thanks Sal)

Two burglars broke into an office down town and stole a calendar.
They both got six months.
(Thanks Maura)

This is a very special day for me. It was on exactly this day three years ago that I lost my dear wife and my two lovely children.
No, that's one game of cards I won't forget in a hurry.
(Thanks Lops)

The Sergeant is called in to see his Lieutenant.
Lt: "Sergeant, how is the new recruit settling in?"
Sergt: "Private Perkins, Sir? He's a bit soft, sir, a bit of a mummy's boy."
Col: "Oh dear, you see I've just had a call and apparently his father has been run over. Dead as a Dodo. Break the news to him gently, will you, sergeant?"
Sergt: "Yes sir! The picture of discretion and tact, sir!"
Lt: "Very, well, carry on, sergeant"
The sergeant goes outside to the parade ground where his platoon is drilling.
Sergt: "Attention!"
The whole platoon snaps to attention.
Sergt: "Private Perkins, one step forward."
A single soldier take a nervous step forward.
Sergt: "Private Perkins, your father has been run over, dead as a dodo."
Perkins screams in anguish and collapses to the ground in a faint.
The next day, the sergeant is again called in to see his Lieutenant.
Lt: "Well, sergeant, you broke the bad news to Perkins a bit harshly"
Sergt: "Yes, sir, sorry, sir, shan't happen again sir!"
Lt: "Well, there's more bad news, you see, because last night while he was recovering in the hospital, his mother was run over."
Sergt: "Oh dear, sir."
Lt: "Well, do you think you could break this terrible news to him a bit more gently, sergeant?"
Sergt: "Yes sir! Of course sir! The picture of discretion and tact, sir!"
Lt: "Very, well, carry on, sergeant."
The sergeant goes outside to the parade ground where his platoon is drilling.
Sergt: "Attention!"
The whole platoon snaps to attention.
Sergt: (after much careful thought) "Right then, all those who have at least one parent still living, one step forward!"
The whole platoon takes a step forward.
Sergt: "Perkins, where do you think you're going?!"
(Thanks Worb, you win this week's star prize, an assortment of chick-lit fiction. Mail us an address if you want it.)

Please send jokes. The international price of jokes just reached an all-time high on the world's markets, and if things go on like this, we're going to have to resort to sending out genetically-modified jokes, which you wouldn't like as they're probably cause hideous mutations of the spam so that instead of jokes you'd get Venue spam inviting you to spend loads of money buying pills that'd make your hands bigger, or trying to get you to buy a fake Timex watch. So don't delay - hit that reply button now and splatter the seed of your funnyness over the upturned face of our inbox.

Websites

Another perspective on file-sharing www.youtube.com/watch
(Thanks Robin)

Ski gliding the Eiger. I feel sick just looking at this. www.youtube.com/watch
(Thanks Jack)

This will amaze you ... www.dailymotion.com/relevance

... BUT then you need to watch this and be disappointed current.com/items/89037828_cellphone_popcorn_trick_revealed

Funny animal signs www.outdoorlens.com

How to be a celebrity www.e4.com/wtf/animations

Funny failblog.org

Sushi art www.toxel.com/inspiration

You'll know what to use this for if you're self-employed or run a business www.customreceipt.com

Charlie Brooker on My Super Sweet 16 www.i-am-bored.com/bored

Icky hospital stories. Do not read while eating. dailystrength.org/blog

The Venue website is pretty good, too: www.venue.co.uk

And please remember to buy Venue. Or the management will make us pull them to work in their 4x4s instead of buying petrol.

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