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Yarr! 'Tis time to clamber aboard the good ship Newsagents Shop to get yerself the latest Venue magazine, shipmates:
HARBOUR FESTIVAL - Bristol's award-winning waterside fest is back for another year, even better than ever and still pulling of that amazing trick of pleasing everyone.
CARLEEN ANDERSON - Former Young Disciples and Brand New Heavies singer is just one of the top-ranking tutors at Bristol's new school for future rock stars.
MAN ON WIRE - Meet the director and star behind this hugely praised documentary of the daredevil stuntman who walked a high wire between New York's Twin Towers in the 1970s.
PLUS - 'The X-Files: I Want To Believe' ... Bristol rapper C-Froo ... Family summer fun ... Bloom Festival ... Local milkshake taste test ... Festival of the Tree ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss that it was you who moved the family of beavers into his desk while he was on holiday.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and broke some terrible news to his wife Carol: the doctor had said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, Barry asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made frantic and passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carol agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carol's shoulder and said, "Darling? Please? Just one more time before I die?" She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Darling, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
Carol sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen, I'm not trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - you don't ... "
(Thanks Rina)
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men should remember fairies are often female ...
(Thanks Jack)
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy And that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."
(Thanks Fran)
A: One
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
(Thanks Si)
A man was doing market research in a residential neighbourhood.
He knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing, some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" the researcher asked.
The woman replied, "We use it in the bedroom."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it in the bedroom. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it in the bedroom?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
(Thanks Helz)
Dave's wife is going off to Paris for a long weekend with her girlfriends. As he drives her to the airport, she says to him:
"Is there anything you'd like me to bring you back from Paris?"
Dave thinks about it for a while, and then jokes, "How about you bring me back a cute little French girl?"
Dave's wife sighs and says sarcastically, "OK, I'll see what I can do."
Late on Sunday evening, he's back at the airport to pick her up.
"So how was it?" he says as she gets into the car.
"Oh it was great," she says. "We all had a brilliant time. Lots of sightseeing, shopping, eating and wine."
"And did you get my present?" he jokes.
"Oh that. Well, I did what I could, but we won't know for certain if it's a girl for another nine months."
(Thanks Katy - you win this week's star prize, a couple of chick lit novels AND the Cliff Richard biography last week's winner demanded we send to landfill. Mail us an address if you want the goodies.)
Please send us jokes, preferably ones we've not heard before, and preferably ones without any rude or rude body-part words in that'll get our spam trapped by spamtraps. Best joke every week wins something (and not all our prizes are ironic – we've had some good ones in the past. So don't delay - hit that REPLY button now and cause our inbox to swell and glisten with your jokey pleasurings.
NB: The Spam Department is now going away for a month. The management are kindly sending us on a four-week break at a special camp in North Korea. Your weekly spam will return in September.
Surf!
Possibly the most weird, perverted and bizarrely depraved thing you will see all year. Warning: Very rude and VERY VERY VERY NOT WORKSAFE!! www.cakefarts.com
How to behave on an internet forum www.videojug.com/film
(Thanks Debra)
A website about pencils www.penciltalk.org
Cowboy drama with lolly sticks www.youtube.com
Top ten twisted puns jeffreyalanmiller.blogspot.com
Good (American) medical blog. The "She was thirteen, and I couldn't save her" entry is shatteringly sad. surgeonsblog.blogspot.com
Customer complaint. notalwaysright.com
Why oh why didn't we know about this BEFORE Glastonbury? www.thebrowncorporation.com
Photos of tourist landmarks with rubbish souvenirs/postcards held over them www.flickr.com/photos
Proper sex education www.bebooksonline.co.uk
Extremely crazy Saudis with (we assume) Heelies. FFS don't try this on the M5. Or anywhere. www.youtube.com
Conference of the fonts. CleverFunny. www.collegehumor.com
And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised to let us stand outside next time it rains for our annual wash if you do.
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