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Roll up, roll up and thrill to the daring antics of this week's Venue (in the shops tomorrow), the magazine which does everything without a safety net.
CABOT CIRCUS - The biggest change to the centre of Bristol since World War Two is unveiled, with shops, cafes, restaurants, bars, a cinema and lots of public spaces. But will it pack in the punters, and how will it compete with Cribbs Causeway?
THE BRISTOL DO - The festival season is not over yet! An extravaganza of circus, theatre, games and outdoor fun comes to Portland Square.
IGFEST - That's Bristol's first Interesting Games Festival. In which people get to throw paint around, or play giant snakes & ladders in a multi-storey car park.
PLUS - Ben Stiller and Robert Downey Jnr on 'Tropic Thunder' ... Country music in Bristol ... Somerset carnival season starts ... Chesney Hawkes ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone you were fibbing when you said your washing machine is a large hadron collider.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
Breaking news ... Scientists in Manchester have announced a major environmental breakthrough. They've invented a plastic carrier bag which biodegrades when exposed to sunlight. These new bags are expected to last five times longer in Manchester as the old style bags.
(Thanks Ellie)
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah,Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu,mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning."
(Thanks Jack (who sent this in weeks ago, but we've only just translated it))
Stan owns a small struggling hill farm in North Yorkshire when an inspector from the Department of Work and Pensions turns up.
"I need a list of all your employees, and the details of how much you pay them," says the official.
"Well," says Stan, “there's just the two employees. There's Dave, the shepherd. I pay him £800 a month, plus a small allowance to let him buy some butcher's scraps for his dog."
"OK," says the inspector, writing on his clipboard. "And the other one?"
"The other one’s a half-wit who works 18 hours a day and does about 80% of the work. He makes next to nowt. Maybe ten pound a week, although I do buy him seven or eight pints every Saturday night."
"What?!" says the inspector. "I need to talk to this man, this half-wit at once!"
"That would be me," says Stan.
(Thanks Steff)
Ada had had a heart attack, but was now slowly recovering. "Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah."
"We'll try," he replied compassionately.
In due course Ada gratefully attended the boy's bar mitzvah.
A few weeks later, when she was at the doctor's for a check-up, she said: "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding."
"We'll do our best," he replied.
Ada happily attended her granddaughter's wedding. Ten years passed. Ada visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?"
"Yes."
"And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter's wedding?"
"Yes."
"Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress."
"Yes?"
"Well, it has a 20-year warranty..."
(Thanks Rog)
Shortly after Mozart died, a drunk was walking past his grave when he heard strange noises coming from it.
Terrified, he ran to the nearest church and fetched the priest. The priest heard something too. He leaned by the tombstone and realised that what he could hear, very faintly, was music.
The priest ran and fetched a magistrate.
The magistrate leaned over the grave and listened. "Ah yes," he said, "I know what that is. That is the maestro's wonderful ninth symphony. But the odd thing is that it's being played backwards ..."
A short while later he said, "And now that's the eighth symphony. Also being played backwards."
After that, the magistrate told them he could hear the seventh symphony, the sixth, the fifth ... All backwards.
He stood up and said. "There's nothing to be concerned about ...
...
...
...
...
...
...
It's only Mozart decomposing."
(Thanks Maura)
Steve is due to be married the following day, and he's staying with his parents, trying not to get nervous. Watching TV with his Mum they see a couple being married on a soap opera and a question occurs to Steve.
"Mum," he asks, "why are wedding dresses white?"
"White is the colour of purity," says Mum. "I think it's supposed to show that the woman has kept herself pure for her husband."
Mum leaves the room to make tea. Dad comes in. Steve decides to ask him, too.
"Dad, any idea why wedding dresses are supposed to be white?"
Dad shrugs. "No idea. But all major household appliances come in white."
(Thanks Anna. You win this week's star prize. Let us know if you want the Verve CD or the book about Things To Do With Dad.)
Please send us jokes. It'll cost you next to nothing. Unless the Fed intervenes in the next few hours, the international price of jokes is about to hit rock bottom and you'll be able to afford to send us loads of them for next to nothing. Also, the best joke each week wins a prize from the vast pile of lovely prizes in the Venue office. So don't delay - hit the REPLY button now and poke your knobbly humming battery-powered jokey thing into our tingling inbox.
Websites, is it?
Excellent job ad www.flickr.com/photos
"But does your polity truly intend to suspend all disbelief, all debate, all thought, because of a well-groomed moose-killer?" Open letter to America from a Scottish paper. www.sundayherald.com/misc
If you ever thought your job was sucky ... www.flickr.com/photos
"The self-sustaining city of the future" www.inhabitat.com/2008/09/15
Is a chocolate teapot actually useless? www.thenakedscientists.com
We have no idea what the hell this is about www.gooncity.com
Things to say during sex - a flow chart www.comicvsaudience.net
This picture is only funny if you have a dirty, dirty mind tinyurl.com/6p3zyc
Deep-fried Crème Egg anyone? ericisgreat.com/deepfried
Why you shouldn't ask the internet for help farm4.static.flickr.com
"Fag"-hating wackos from the Westboro Baptist Church have it in for Britain www.godhatestheworld.com/unitedkingdom
And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised to take us out for a special treat watching the traffic lights change at the bottom of the road if you do.
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