This week's Venue has had a bit of work done on it. A nip and a tuck here, a gallon of botox there. We hope you'll like its new look. And there's lots to read as well:

THE BEST OF BRISTOL AND BATH - Your free 228-page guide to the best that the west can offer by way of food, drink, entertainment, shopping, living, breathing etc. It's especially aimed at new arrivals (well, students) but you'll find it pretty useful even if you've lived here since before Cabot Circus was built.

A SPANKING GOOD TIME - What exactly is a fetish club and who actually goes to them? If you're still in the dark about Bristol's sexual underground, then fear not, because our reporter has been there, done that and has the poodle outfit to prove it.

MOLES - Bath's legendary rock club clocks up 30 years in the business this month. We look back on three decades of Oasis, Blur, The Cure, Radiohead, Massive Attack and sweat-soaked mayhem.

PLUS - Comedian Mark Thomas ... Simon Pegg on 'How to Lose Friends and Alienate People' ... Local bluesman Elliot Hall ... Cheltenham Literature Festival ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone those £100 pants you claim to have bought at Harvey Nick's actually came from Primark.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes, then ...

A naked man walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his willy, goes to the bar and orders a pint of lager The barman looks him up and down and says, "Hey mate, do you know you have a steering wheel on your willy?"
"Yes," says the man. "And it's driving me nuts"!!
(Thanks Mare)

I was asked to play in a golf tournament the other day. At first I refused, but then they said, "oh come on, it's for handicapped and blind children," and so I said, "OK, I could win this thing."
(Thanks Al)

A woman went to visit a fortune-teller. In a darkened room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic gypsy woman delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. You must prepare yourself for widowhood. I am afraid that your husband will soon die a violent and horrible death."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune-teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She steadied her voice, and asked her question: "And will I be found guilty?"
(Thanks Steve)

A pair of conjoined twins entered a pub in Ontario, Canada, parked themselves on a couple of barstools, and one told the barkeeper, "I'm John, he's Jim. We're Siamese twins. Bring us two Molsons, please."
The barkeeper made a little polite conversation. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," said John.
"Yep. We go to England every year," said Jim, "and hire a car and drive for miles. Don't we, John?"
"Ah, England!" said the barkeeper, "wonderful country. The history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't much care for the Brits," said John. "Hamburgers and Molsons, that's us, eh, Jim?"
"Yep. Can't stand the English. Arrogant and rude."
The barkeep looked puzzled. "Then why do you keep going to England?" he asked.
John replied, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive!"
(Thanks Meg)

A lady lost her purse when out shopping one day. Little Johnny found it. In it was her driving licence giving her address, and so he took it around to her house.
"Thank you SO much, young man," she said. "It's wonderful to know that there are still some honest youngsters around these days!"
She opened the purse and looked in it. "That's odd!" she said. "I'm sure that when I went out this morning I only had a £20 note in it. Now there are four £5 notes."
"That's right!" said Little Johnny. "But you see the last time I found a lady's purse she didn't have the change for a reward either."
(Thanks Ellie)

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
(Thanks Harry/Dave)

A letter (allegedly) sent by Tesco Head Office to a customer in Wigan:

Dear Mrs. Carter,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Wigan is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our security cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House Wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in House Wares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House Wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were situated.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the theme tune from 'Mission Impossible'
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

(Thanks Rosie; you win this week's star prize. Tell us if you'd prefer a Radio City Rockette doll, or a T-shirt and hat from some movie and give us a postal address.)

Please send us jokes. Jokes, and not our hucksterish desire to flog Venues to you, good Lord no, are what make the Spam happen, and remember that the best one each week wins a prize. Next week's star prize is your own hardback copy of 'Jade: Catch a Falling Star', the second volume of Jade Goody's autobiography. This would make the ideal Christmas present for someone in your life, wouldn't it? So send us a joke, preferably one we've not heard before, and better still one without any rude words or rude body parts in so's our spam will get through the corporate censorware. Don't delay; hit the REPLY button now and inject some much-needed joke liquidity into our inbox.

Websites

Mistakes movie criminals make www.cracked.com

Rachmaninov had big hands. Funny. www.youtube.com

Amazing maglev toy train www.liveleak.com

Make your own loudspeaker www.josepino.com/other_projects

Street dentistry www.eyecatchypics.com

Movies and telly programmes made in and around Bath - a map (PDF) www.visitbath.co.uk/xsdbimgs

Some lovely pics to download as wallpaper if you want. ngm.nationalgeographic.com

12 Greek words to make you sound clever when you use them www.dailywritingtips.com/greek-words

Ancient Roman surgical instruments www.hsl.virginia.edu/historical

Japanese folks get creative with their barcodes www.weirdasianews.com/wp-content/uploads

Epic fail! (Probably a collector’s item now … ) www.amazon.com/gp/product

And please remember to buy Venue. If you don't, the management have said they'll have to let us go. (They're currently holding us over a cliff-edge.)

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Cheers then.

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