Want a CD, with music and noise on and everything? You might think you'd need to go to a music shop for that, but you actually need to get to the newsagent's for this week's Venue, which has:

A FREE CD - We've been scouting the local talent for you and here present some of the best artists currently making waves across the west. Plug in and enjoy.

JAMIE OLIVER - He sorted out our school dinners, tried to save our battery chickens and wants to teach the country how to cook. And now we get a chance to sample that, too, as Jamie Oliver finally opens his new restaurant in Bath.

EROTIC FICTION - Think you can write with a straight face about the pleasures of the flesh? Then read on ...

PLUS - Win a £250 shopping spree! ... Disco-prog kings Foals interviewed ... Mind-reader Chris Cox ... Saddle up with our Bicycle Care Guide ... New Coen Brothers film ... Ben Elton's 'We Will Rock You' comes to town ... Cheltenham Literature Festival ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide. And the free CD.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone you are personally guaranteeing all UK bank deposits of up to £50,000.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95.
With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50.
£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.
But if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.
So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.
(Thanks Ray)

A man, who is a member of whichever ethnic grouping you believe is most prone to drunkeness is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother"
The drunk again answers, "No, oi I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits' end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"
(Thanks David. You won't be surprised to know you win nothing. You people should know by now how the Spam Department feels about Oirish jokes.)

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. However, you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."
(Thanks Nick)

A man walked into a store with his nine-year-old son. They happened to walk by the condom display, and the boy asked, "What are those things, Dad?"
The father decided there was no point in being embarrassed, and that he would just explain with a straight face. "They're called condoms, son. During lovemaking, men use them to prevent women from getting pregnant."
"Oh, yeah," replied the boy. "I've heard of that in sex educated classes in school."
He looked over the display and picked up a package of 3 and asked, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The father replied, "Those are for teenage boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" said the boy. He then picked up a packet of six and asked, "What is this package of six for?"
"Those are for students," the dad answered, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses all these?" he asked, picking up a pack of 12.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March ..."
(Thanks Lizzy)

A young Bristol girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Narrow Quay.
As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?" he asked.
"Yes, I am," replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. "Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found".
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next three weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.
The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to Australia. One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me."
The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, "He certainly is pet. This is the City Docks Ferry."
(Thanks Tony - we think we might have had that before, but since you went to the trouble of giving it a local twist, have this week's star prize, a copy of JADE: CATCH A FALLING STAR, the second volume (no really) of Jade Goody's autobiography, a volume which will one day be ranked alongside Dostoyevsky. Look, we'll throw in a T-shirt as well to soften the blow, OK. Just send us a postal address and we can get this thing over with.)

Please send jokes. Preferably ones we've not heard before, and better still one without any rude words or rude body parts in so's our spam will get through the corporate censorware. Oh, and Thick Paddy jokes will be disinfected, right? The gag that makes us laugh most bigly each week wins a prize In the pile at the moment is a book subtitled 'Create Your Own Jane Austen Adventure' and a Boyzone single. We realize that you probably want to send your jokes to Ireland or Germany or someplace where they've guaranteed your jokes are safe, but really, people, we need to have some trust and liquidity back in Britain's joke system. It is your patriotic duty to hit the REPLY button now and make a deposit of jokes, no matter how small, in our inbox.

Websites

Debate like Sarah Palin farm4.static.flickr.com

The 2008 Ig Nobel Prizes improbable.com/ig/winners

Yes, that's how this business works. Recent Craigslist ad in Los Angeles (slightly un-worksafe). losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv

Crude satire on recent events. Not worksafe.
http://lloydshalifaxtrusteesavingsbankofscotland.co.uk

It blocks out the recession www.recessionblocker.com

Live in Bradley Stoke? Then you need ... www.sadlybroke.com

Search Google in 2001 www.google.com

James Randi explains homeopathy - quite long, but gets very funny. unreasonablefaith.com/2008

Scrumpox?!? Another good excuse not to take up sumo wrestling. news.bbc.co.uk

Atlas of the real world. www.telegraph.co.uk/travel

And please remember to buy Venue (it comes with a free CD, you know). The management will increase the rent on our desks if you don't.

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