This week's Venue is exclusive and for members-only. But get to the newsagent and you're in!

JOIN THE CLUB - Late nights, lots of people, working weekends ... Who'd want to run a club? Meet some of the folks running Bristol and Bath's busiest establishments, from pole-dancing joints to music venues to working men's clubs.

THE NATURALS - They've been cone-headed alien tourists, appeared on the nudist deck of an ocean liner and do living history at the Roman Baths - Bath's legendary Natural Theatre Co. are still going strong after nearly 40 years of madcap hilarity.

THE MIGHTY BOOSH! - "Chavs come up and say, 'That show is sick' ... apparently that's good! They don't stab me, so that's fine." - Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding interviewed.

BATH FILM FEST - Bath's 18-year-old film festival is back with the usual assortment of upmarket mainstream and off-the-radar arthouse and alternative fare, plus plenty of sneaky-peek preview screenings.

PLUS ... Win sexy lingerie ... Credit crunch eating out ... Steve Coogan ... Halloween family fun ... Bristol's 1970s music classics revived ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell the papers that Madonna is stopping at yours while she gets over the divorce.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes ...

An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details.
A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: "Icesave?! What is this, some sort of scam?"
(Thanks Jack)

Q: What is the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday night

Q: What is the one thing Wall St and the Olympics have in common?
A: Synchronised diving

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari

Q: What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't short-sell anything?
A: Quarter pounder with fries please

Q: How many commodities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply (Thanks Jack again)

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
Inthe last 7hrs the Origami bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will lkely go for a song, while today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
The Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cut backs, the Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
(Thanks to several people for that one)

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lost.
Lost qui?
Oui.
(Thanks Fiona.)

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well.
He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg."
Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"
(Thanks Maura)

A woman was breast-feeding her baby, when she noticed the window cleaner watching her. Indignantly, she said, "what do you think you're staring at?"
He replied, apologetically, "When I was a baby, I was bottle-fed so I was just fascinated."
The woman says, "well, baby's had enough but there's some left if you want to find out what it's like."
The window cleaner climbed in through the window and started to feed.
After a short time, the woman realised, with a mixture of excitement and embarrassment, that she was becoming aroused.
After a little while longer, she could no longer contain herself, and she blurted out: "Would you like a little bit of some thing else?"
He replied, "Yes please! Have you got any biscuits?"
(Thanks Sylv)

My wife has got me practicing a French method of contraception which is proving quite frustrating...
It involves me pulling out and retreating before I've even fired a shot.

Last night, my wife and I were sitting at home watching TV. There was this awful item on the news about a man who had been in a coma in hospital for years. I turned to her and said: "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, please just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the TV computer, and threw out my beer.
(Thanks to Rogerandout for those)

A couple went to visit a counsellor about their marriage. Among all the other complaints, the husband said that their sex life was now tedious and routine and not as exciting as it used to be.
"Well, one thing you could do is try and vary the positions you do it in," the counselor told him. "For example, you could try the so-called wheelbarrow position. You lift her legs from behind and away you go."
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you have to stop right away. And second, you have to promise me we won't go past my mother's house."
(Thanks Helz)

Two married men are in a pub discussing their love lives when one says, "Have you ever tried playing doctor?"
His mate says, "No what's it like?"
The man replies, "It's amazing me and my wife were playing for the whole of last night. It must have been about ten hours."
His mate, impressed says, "Ten hours!? How the hell did you manage that long?"
"Oh, I just left her in the waiting room for nine and a half hours."
(Thanks Norm)

It was Schneider's birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door.
"Telegram!"
He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?"
Schneider asked the messenger boy.
"No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore."
"I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules and make an old man happy?"
"Sorry."
"Please," begged Schneider. "Today's my birthday."
"Oh, all right," said the boy,
"Dah-dah dee... dee-dee-dah, your sister Ruth is dead!"
(Thanks Roy; you win this week's star prize; the Jewel DVD and the Tony Christie album. Mail us a postal address if you want 'em).

Please send us jokes. Preferably ones we've not heard before, and better still ones without any rude words or rude body parts in so's our spam will get through the corporate censorware. The joke which in the opinion of the judges is the runniest each week wins a prize of some sort from the stuff lying around the Venue office, and with Christmas shopping looming on the horizon like a big dark looming thing, some tat from the Venue office might solve some of your gift headaches, or at least give you something to fling on the fire to keep warm with. So don't delay another minute - hit the REPLY button now firmly grasp our tumescing inbox with the finely-manicured fingers of your funnyness.

Will ye no have some links afore ye go ...

Vintage mobile phones www.dialaphone.co.uk

Optical illusions www.illusionsciences.com

Best ten free PC programs www.finesttechnology.com

Serious medical advice. Scroll to the bottom bit, headed 'Alternative Treatment' www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk

"The after-effects of a night of fun" myhumors99.blogspot.com

Sarah Palin's Facebook page www.holytaco.com/details

Palin as President? palinaspresident.com

Six most disastrous emails ever www.cracked.com

Chess games dirty.ru/comments

The hardest logic puzzle ever en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_hardest_logic_puzzle_ever

No, no, no, no!!!! www.e-mancipate.net

And please remember to buy Venue - the management have promised us a dream holiday in Iceland (the country, not the fish finger shop) if you do.

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