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Nice Shorts
We're all mad for short films in Venue this week. Indeed, what short film could be more delightful and thrilling of footage of you going to the newsagents for this week's Venue. We'd put it on YouTube.
ENCOUNTERS Bristol's 14th Encounters festival packs more than 300 short films into just six days and puts the city on the world map. We've got a small but perfectly formed guide to the finest treats on offer.
KOMEDIA Bath's exciting new comedy-cum-music-cum-multi-purpose mega venue is about to open. Come join us for a sneak preview.
BHANGRA PROJECT A whole year's worth of wonderful Punjabi music, dance, and art. We take a look at what's in store.
PLUS Brilliant German movie 'The Baader Meinhof Complex' ... Totterdown's Front Room art trail ... BBC Radio doctor and funny man Phil Hammond ... Sharp-tongued Scots comedian Frankie Boyle ... Lovely local photos on show ... Spooky ghost story-spinner Robert Lloyd Parry ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who offered to demolish the office to host the 2018 World Cup.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes ...
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight and on the way home he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
The cabby agreed to do it in return for £100.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The man grabbed the baseball bat from the top of the wardrobe and started yelling: "I'll kill you! I'll beat you to a bloody pulp!"
His wife screamed, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."
"He paid for the four wheel drive I bought for you. He's paid for the boat you take out at weekends. He's paid for our holiday cottage in Wales! He pays the bills for sending the kids to private school!"
Shaking his head in confusion and disappointment, the husband lowered the bat.
Slowly, he looked over to the taxi-driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up again with that duvet before he catches a cold."
(Thanks Hen)
Two farm-labourers from Gloucestershire were looking at the mail-order catalogue one of them had found, and were admiring the models in the women's clothes section.
Darren says to Trev, "Look at how fit them women are!"
Trev says, "Yeah! And look at the prices on them!"
Darren notices this and replies, "Wow! They're not that expensive are they? I'm going to buy one!"
Trev says, "Go fer it, mate. And if she's as good-looking as she is in they pictures, I'm having one, too."
Three weeks later, Trev and Darren meet in the pub. "Has your bird arrived from that catalogue yet?" asks Trev.
"Nope," says Darren, "but it shouldn't be too long now. They sent her clothes yesterday."
(Thanks Ellie)
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said .....
"OK, I give up. Where's the f*ckin' ship?"
(Thanks Neil)
Osama Bin Laden decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides hadn't a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help. Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
(Thanks Jack)
What sort of bee produces milk?
A boo bee
(Thanks Alvin)
Young Paddy moved to Roscommon and bought a donkey from a farmer for €100.00 and arranged for it to be delivered the next day. But when the next day came, the farmer called Paddy and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news - your donkey died."
Paddy replied: "Well, then, just give me my money back."
But the farmer said: "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
So Paddy said: "OK. Bring me the dead donkey then."
The farmer asked: "For sure but what are ya gonna do with a dead donkey?
Paddy said: "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Paddy said: "Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Paddy said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two euros a piece and made a profit of €898.00."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Paddy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two euros back."
And that, children, explains why the Irish economy is healthier than most at present.
(Thanks Pam. You win this week's star prize, Enrique Iglesias's Greatest Hits AND the new album from The Cure. Mail us an address if you want 'em.)
Please send jokes. Just because they elected the right guy President of the United States doesn't mean we can afford to lighten up too much. Best joke each week wins some stuff. We like jokes we've not heard before, and better still ones that'll get through corporate spamtraps by not having too many rude words in. So don't delay - hit that REPLY button now and make our inbox all tingly with the rechargeable-battery-powered appliance of your funnyness.
Will ye no have some links afore ye go ...
New local greeny-type website www.ecojam.org
The coolest (and most pointless) robot ever www.festo.com
(Thanks Ray)
More foody sculpture, but this one's kind of rubbish www.fatuous.co.uk
Bloke has vasectomy. Complete with pictures and videos. Aargh! havingapoo.blogspot.com
Chess game - brilliant bit of claymation uk.youtube.com
Funny spoof advert. A bit disrespectful towards the Catholic clergy, mind. uk.youtube.com
What to take if you're on that one-way mission to Mars www.astroengine.com
Amazing nature pics www.noupe.com
Peaches Geldof writes her first column for a fashion magazine. Read the comments. www.nylonmag.com
The most insane diet ever. And she lost 3lb in a week. Funniest web-page in weeks. ocddiet.weebly.com
And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised us a brief stay in a nice warm, dry prison if you do.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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