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'Tis the Season
Time to visit the jolly grotto of Old Father Newsagent. You're not allowed to sit on his knee these days (due to Elf & Safety!) but you can still tell him all you want for Christmas is this week's Venue:
THE GREAT ESCAPE Christmas isn't always good, is it? Which is why we have loads of great ideas for ways to escape the season of debt, drunkenness and family rows.
THE DICE MAN What happened when one man spent a week allowing rolls of the dice and a copy of Venue magazine to run his life for him.
PLUS Brilliant Bristol graffiti book 'Children of the Can' ... Tracy Chapman ... Best NYE club nights ... Whiskery super-chef Martin Blunos ... Stereophonics ... Win theatre tickets! ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll show everyone the film of you standing in front of your mirror miming to Britney Spears miming.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
"Your Honour," a man said in divorce court, "My wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in treating them with old-school courtesy, and I was only opening the car door for her out of chivalry."
"Ordinarily that would be true," replied the judge, "But I don't buy that it was out of chivalry. Apparently, you left out the part where you were driving down the highway at 65mph at the time."
(Thanks Ellie)
Captain Ironside was the bravest Royal Navy commander in the age of sailing ships. One day, while cruising the Spanish Main, the lookouts on his ship spotted a pirate vessel.
"Bring me my red shirt," ordered Captain Ironside.
A sailor quickly brought him the bright red shirt the captain always kept hanging on the door of his cabin.
And, while wearing this bright red shirt he led his crew into battle against the pirates, boarded their ship, killed half of them and took the rest prisoner.
That evening, all the men sat around on deck telling one another stories of this fierce battle. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
Captain Ironside replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Ironside fixed his steely gaze on the pirates bearing down on them and calmly turned to a cabin boy and said: "Get me my red shirt. And my brown trousers."
(Thanks Lauren)
Little Johnny was staying with his grandparents for the weekend. He was outdoors, helping his Grandad with some gardening, when he spotted an earthworm in one of the flower beds.
"Grandad," he said, "I bet you I can put that worm through that hole in the fence."
His grandfather looked at him, and at the tiny knot-hole in the fence he was pointing to and said, "You'll never manage that Little Johnny! The worm is all limp and wriggly."
"I bet you £2 I can do it!" said Johnny.
"OK," laughed his grandfather. "You're on!"
Johnny picked up the worm and ran into the house and came back with one of his grandmother's enormous cans of old-fashioned hair lacquer. He sprayed the worm until it was completely rigid and, with a flourish, pushed the worm through the hole.
His Grandfather was amused and delighted and handed him a £2 coin. Then he grabbed the hairspray and ran into the house.
Half an hour later he came out again and handed Johnny another £2.
"But Grandad," said Little Johnny, "You've already paid me."
"I know. But that's from your grandmother."
(Thanks Mike)
A beautiful blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled thedice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed "YES YES, I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But men - well that's another story!
(Thanks Fran)
I went to the butchers this morning he tried to sell me 8 legs of venison for £400!!
Is that two dear??????
(Thanks Tish)
The Dalai Lama walks into a Pizza Hut and goes up to speak to the guy behind the counter, and says: "Make me one with everything".
(Thanks Graham)
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he'd got it. He kept asking them to clear off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f***ing didn't."
(Thanks Pam)
Two old men are sitting on a park bench passing the time. One says to the other: "How is your wife?"
The other one replies, "I think she's dead."
"Really?! What do you mean you THINK she's dead?!"
"Well, the sex is the same, but the washing-up is starting to pile up in the sink."
(Thanks Ding. That's sick and disgusting. Have this week's star prize of the Van Morrison CD. Mail us an address if you want it.)
Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins a prize of some stuff. We especially like jokes we've not heard before, and better still ones without too many rude or anatomical words in that'll get our spam blocked by spam blocking spam blockers. Remember - winning some tat for the top joke could sort some of your Christmas present worries! (Although it probably won't.) So don't delay - hit that REPLY button now and make our inbox hard and swollen.
Websites
A picture of extreme cuteness fc40.deviantart.com
Candied bacon ice-cream www.davidlebovitz.com
It's Bam! uk.youtube.com
The recipe book everyone needs this Christmas (slightly un-worksafe) stores.lulu.com
Freestyle rap contest - with translated lyrics uk.youtube.com
Ross Kemp on Gangs. Sort of ... uk.youtube.com
The trash vortex www.alternet.org
"Totally Gay for America" uk.youtube.com
I-Spy Book of the Interwebs www.e4.coml
"The beatings must be light and must not make her face ugly." Hah! Some Muslims say the funniest things. uk.youtube.com
Mould on cheese or image of a Greek god? It's OK. It's for Oxfam. tinyurl.com
And please remember to buy Venue. The management have said they need especially large bonuses this Christmas and your help would be appreciated.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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