2009. There's no avoiding it.

New Year's resolutions to quit smoking, lose weight and be nicer to your Mum are all well and fine, but you need to make at least one resolution you can actually keep. How about resolving to go to the newsagents and buy this week's Venue with:

THE COMING YEAR - All you need to know about 2009 before it's happened. We look forward to the local news, gigs, movies, club nights, theatre, comedy and more. PLUS - Free 2009 Wallchart, with dates and important events and everything!

BRISTOL THEN AND NOW - A Bristol bus driver-turned-photographer shows us some of his wonderful snaps tracing the evolution of the modern city since the 1960s.

PLUS - Comedian Alistair Barrie ... New Year Resolution help - from alternative therapies to stop smoking clinics ... Kids' author Elen Caldecott ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who put the photos of him doing his Britney Spears impersonation at the Christmas party on the internet.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Quick!" she said, "stand in the corner."
Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
(Thanks Ellie)

An Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.
The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative venture took place. "Who would 'ave thought," he said, "that the Eenglish would go to all this trouble to be connected to La France."
"Oh that's nothing," says the Englishman, "You should have seen the trouble we had digging the Channel in the first place!"
(Thanks Dave)

In a small town in northern India is a man who made the Guinness Book of Records for tiny writing. He managed to get 1,314 characters onto a single grain of rice!
When he finished, he went back to his usual job of printing credit card contracts.
(Thanks Steff)

Two nuns are riding their bicycles when one suggests to the other that they take a short-cut along a narrow cobbled street.
As they rattle and bump along the cobblestones, the second says, "I've never come this way before."
(Thanks Maura)

For centuries, men and women have argued over which is more painful: being kicked in the bollocks, or giving birth.
So how can we reach an answer? Well, put it this way: about a year after a couple's first child, a woman will often say, "Let's have another baby."
But I challenge you to find a man who, one year on, will turn to his mate and say, "Tell you what, Dave... kick me in the bollocks again."
(Thanks Jezzer)

Two lions escaped from the zoo. They decided it would be harder for them to be recaptured if they split up and went in opposite directions, but they agreed they would meet up again three months later at a given location.
Three months went by and they met at the appointed place. One was very healthy, while the other looked skinny and worn-out.
The healthy one said to the other: "What happened to you? You look terrible!"
The unhealthy one said, "When we split up, I went to a nearby village. I only ate a small child, but the local humans got really upset. They've been chasing after me with dogs and guns, and have surrounded the village with booby-traps and cameras and barbed wire, and I haven't had a single thing to eat since then".
Then he complemented his companion on his healthy appearance and asked how he managed it.
"Oh, pure luck really," he replied. "I made my way to the Bristol City Council HQ on College Green. I've been eating a manager every week there, and nobody's noticed yet."
(Thanks Billiam)

Mr Smith and Mr Jones were both magistrates in a small town, and as it happened both were arrested and charged with speeding on the same weekend.
Both cases came up on the same day and both turned up at court good and early.
There was nobody else there, so instead of waiting around, they decided to try one another's cases.
Smith waved Jones into the dock, read out the charges and said, "How do you plead?"
"Guilty," replied Jones.
"That'll be the usual £100 fine and three points off you licence," said Smith.
Jones stepped down, the two men shook hands and exchanged places, Jones on the bench and Smith in the dock.
"How do you plead?"
"Guilty," said Smith.
Jones thought for a moment and then said: "These reckless driving cases are becoming far too common. Irresponsible driving causes hundreds of needless deaths every year. In fact this is the second case like this to come up before this court in the last ten minutes. That'll be £1,000 fine and one month in prison."
(Thanks Ollie, you win this week's star prize, a pair of crime novels. Mail us a postal address if you want them.)

Please send us jokes. The best one each week wins some stuff from the Venue office. It might even be stuff worth having. We all need to share the jokely love in the cold old month of January, so don't delay. Just hit that REPLY button now and make our inbox engorged.

Some websites afore ye go ...

Knitting - it's the new graffiti deputy-dog.com

Foodie satire blog yumblog.co.uk

How the future looked in the past wellmedicated.com/inspiration

Weirdest gourmet foods www.neatorama.com

Astonishing insect pics photo.net/photodb

Gallery of WTF-type pics www.cracked.com/blog

"Beer - your permanent weight-loss solution" (Slightly un-worksafe) www.aboutcolonblank.com/

What happens to a polystyrene coffee cup in 2,000 metres of water. holy-web.blogspot.com

Animal Crossing - the Movie www.veoh.com/videos

Do any of the zips on your clothes have the letters YKK on? home.howstuffworks.com

The Benny Hillifier james.nerdiphythesoul.com

Yes, you really can buy one ... www.keyboardforblondes.com

And please remember to buy Venue. The management will burn down an orphanage if you don't.

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Cheers then.

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