Green for Go!

Just because you're January-skint and it's freezing is no reason not to go for a nice, healthy walk or two. According to scientists, walking tones up the walking-muscles in your hair and doesn't cost you anything at all; so walk to the newsagents for this week's Venue:

URBAN WALKS - You might think you know the place, but there are loads of interesting corners to be discovered in Bristol and Bath, and the best way to do it us on foot. We've got some routes for you to try.

DANNY BOYLE - Meet Brit director Danny 'Trainspotting' Boyle, back on top form with the Oscar-tipped 'Slumdog Millionaire', an unlikely yarn about a Mumbai streetkid.

DUBSTEP - It's the future sound of clubland and its natural home is Bristol. Meet the movers and shakers at the forefront of the West's sound revolution.

PLUS - Free fitness directory ... Legendary artist Peter Blake on show ... Leftie comic Rob Deering ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who tried to keep everyone warm by burning all the desks.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

At Any Given Moment:
- 79,000,000 people around the world are engaged in intercourse right now.
- 58,000,000 are kissing.
- 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
- 1 lonely bugger is reading e-mails.
You hang in there sunshine!
(Thanks Jack)

A new freshman at an American university decided to try out for the football (i.e. not proper football) team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
(Thanks Billie)

An elderly couple are watching TV when a shampoo advert comes on featuring a young couple in a romantic embrace.
"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" says the wife.
After a long thoughtful silence, the husband replies, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them last year!"
(Thanks Mick)

A guy goes into the hardware shop to buy some insecticide.
He holds up the box and asks the shop assistant: "Is this good for beetles?"
The shop assistant replies "no, it'll kill 'em!"
(Thanks Jack)

There are five kinds of sex:
1. Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have non-stop sex until you are blue in the face.
2. Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
3. Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom.
4. Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "F___ You."
5. Courtroom Sex. This is when your wife cannot stand you any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
(Thanks Mags)

A woman's husband dies. He had left £30,000 in his will to be used for an elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend, "There is absolutely nothing left from the £30,000."
The friend asks, "How can that be?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was £6,500. And, of course, I made a donation to the church -- that was £500, and I spent another £500 for the wake - food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "£22,500 for the memorial stone? Good grief, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Four and a half carats."
(Thanks K.)

When I picked up my Ford Escort at the garage after some minor repairs, I paid by cheque, using the joint account I have with my wife.
A few days later I got home from work to find she was very upset for some reason. She gave me the silent treatment until I realised why she was so angry.
She had seen the cheque stub where I had written "Escort service - £300".
(Thanks Wall-E)

A school teacher is teaching an English Literature class and tells them that a successful story always has three main elements:
Religion, Sex and Mystery. Any story containing these three elements will sell he assures them, adding "Now you all have half an hour to write a story along those lines"
Two minutes later a girl at the back of the class holds up her hand and says she's finished. The teacher is amazed "Well, tell us what you've written."
"Oh My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?" she says.
(Thanks Toni)

Q: Why are women usually bad at maths?
A: A: Because men keep telling them that this - <--------------------------> - is ten inches.
(Thanks Lou)

We've all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.
(Thanks George)

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "I can see the problem. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
(Thanks Lauren - you win this week's star prize, a funny book by Philip Glenister, him out of 'Life on Mars'. Mail us a postal address if you want it.)

Please send jokes. We got back from our luxury Christmas break ("all the snow you can eat," the management promised us) to find a bit of a Joke Crunch going on in our inbox. Jokes are what'll get us through the coming crisis, along with community singing and spam fritters, so send us a joke now. Remember that the best one each week will win something you might be able to trade for food. So don't delay - hit that REPLY button and warm our inbox with a small piece of humour-coal right now!!

Websites:

Funniest thing you'll see this week www.youtube.com/watch
(Thanks Julian)

"It's very cold tonight, so we played with bubbles. If you blow them upwards enough they have time to freeze on the way down."
http://www.skipweasel.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/freezebubbles/album/

Doing the January "detox" thing? It's all nonsense, you know. www.senseaboutscience.org.uk

Amazing storm pics www.bigstormpicture.blogspot.com

The scientific term is "traumatic fertilization". www.sciam.com/blog/60-second-science

One for musicians. The wisdom of Thelonius Monk. img139.imageshack.us/img139/7346

Gullible? Christians? Surely not! www.sandofchrist.com

"Seven new wonders of the world." www.newscientist.com/article

Abandoned island okneil.com/2008/11/02

The euphemism generator walkingdead.net/perl

And please remember to buy Venue - several managers will be laid off if you don't ... On. Right. Hang on ... Oh well, just buy Venue anyway.

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