The most bargainous bargain ever

If it's bargains you want, then you need this week's Venue magazine. For just £1.50 you get several sheets of paper with different-coloured ink on them, two FREE staples AND some articles you can read:

BARGAINS - Our crack team of bargain hunters take to the streets of Bristol and Bath to find the best free and cheap nights out. We've also got a budget break offer, go shopping for clothes bargains AND see what we can get by haggling in bars, shops and restaurants.

KATE WINSLET INTERVIEWED - The double Golden Globe-winning actress tells us about working with hubby Sam Mendes and best mate Leonardo DiCaprio on suburban drama 'Revolutionary Road'.

FROST/NIXON - More big-screen action as actor Frank Langella talks about playing disgraced US president Richard Nixon in his infamous post-Watergate TV showdown with David Frost.

PLUS - Tall tales from Bristol Storytelling Fest ... Top soulstress Carleen Anderson interview ... Best breakfast places ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll show everyone the footage of you standing in front of your bedroom mirror miming Barack Obama speeches.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes, then ...

THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS IN OFFICES Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.
- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
- Plagiarism saves time.
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
- TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
- The redundancies will continue until morale improves.
- Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
(Thanks Bill)

A man had been drinking at the pub for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The landlord, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The landlord shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" asked the landlord.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
(Thanks Els)

When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called the nearest computer repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the shop charged £40 to do this, he advised the manager to try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his honesty, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business like this?"
"Sure. Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
(Thanks Jo)

Q. Why do mice have such small balls?
A. Because very few of them know how to dance.
(Thanks Ricky)

The cruise liner was crossing the Pacific. As it passed a small island, everyone on the ship could see a bearded man shouting and waving frantically at them. One of the passengers asked the captain: "Who is that man and why is he so upset?"
The captain replied: "I have no idea, but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
(Thanks Si)

Tony the farmer was in the fertilised egg business He had several hundred young laying hens (pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.
Tony kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Tony could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Farmer Tony's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Tony noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!
Tony went to investigate. All the other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Tony's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do the business and walk on to the next one.
Tony was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the region's County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but the Pullet Surprise as well.
(Thanks Pam)

Look there's no way this can be politically correct, so if easily offended, look away now:
There were these two female Siamese twins. One of them loved having sex, while the other loved to play the saxophone.
Both of them, however, adored Julio Iglesias. So when he came to their town to do a show one day, they had front-row seats. Afterwards, they sneaked backstage, met Julio, had a few drinks with him, and soon they were back in his hotel room. The one who loved sex had a wild time with him, while the other played her saxophone.
A couple of years later one of the sisters read in the paper that Julio was coming back to town on another tour. She said: "Let's go to the show! Maybe we can party with Julio again."
Her sister replied: "Oh, he'll never remember us."
(Thanks Kat. You win this week's star prize. Give us a postal address if you want the Miley Cyrus, Guns 'n' Roses and New Kids on the Block singles.)

Please send us jokes, particularly as this is officially the most depressing time of the year. Best joke each week wins some stuff. So don't delay – hit that REPLY button now and prepare our quivering inbox for hot joke action with the cake-flavoured lube of your funnyness.

Websites:

“Always check your children’s homework before they hand it in… “ www.businesspundit.com

Top-earning dead celebrities www.forbes.com

“Daily updates on the world of sweet, sweet bacon.” bacontoday.com

Heavy metal band names and how they are related. www.comicvsaudience.net

Weird. www.richardtingley.co.uk

Kraftwurst! rathergood.com/kraftwurst

Well it made me laugh, though I'm not sure why www.sillyape.org

Obnoxious habits of the elderly explained www.cracked.com

That weird ice thing in Devon www.telegraph.co.uk

World’s biggest container ship www.indiaonrent.com

Everyone needs stock photos of business people. uk.youtube.com

And please remember to buy Venue.

The management may have to be nationalised if you don't. As a taxpayer, you wouldn't want to be part-owner of these people. Trust us.

Cheers then.
..................................
::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
..................................