Got the power?

So what if there's a bit of weather out there? Show some blitz spirit and get to the newsagents for this week's Venue! If the path is icy, take the salt-mill from the kitchen table and salt the path in front of you as you go!

THE POWER LIST - We names the 100 men and women who have the most influence in Bristol - the people who make the decisions affecting your daily life, from when your rubbish gets collected to whether or not you still have a job

LET'S DO SOME CHARLIE - A local author and artist have just published a 100-page comic biography of Charles Darwin - and you might be able to get your own copy completely free!

PLUS - Tea for 2009 - our guide to the best places for tea round here ... DJ Zane Lowe heads west ... Volunteering on a farm ... Woody Allen on his new one, 'Vicky Cristina Barcelona' ... Cheap family fun ideas for half term ... Job ads .... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss that it was you who filled his desk-drawers with snow.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello. Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
(Thanks Pam)

Three trainee spies, two men and a woman, are undergoing their final exams at spy school. Their instructor, a tough-looking man with a crew cut, is taking them through the final exercise. He turns to the first man.
"Well, recruit, this is it: your final test. I want you to take this gun and go through the door on your right. In the room, you will find your wife. I want you to shoot her in the head."
The first man looks horrified. "I.... I... I can't do that," he stammers.
The instructor takes the gun back from him, and says, "Sorry son, you've failed". The recruit is led from the room.
Turning to the second man, the instructor hands him the gun and repeats his instructions. The second man seems equally reluctant, but takes the gun and goes through the door to his right. The sound of sobbing is heard, and he comes back into the main room and hands the gun back to the instructor. "I just can't do it, I can't shoot my wife," he says.
The instructor takes the gun from him, and says, "Sorry son, you've failed". The recruit is led from the room.
The instructor turns to the third and final recruit, the woman. "Your husband is sitting in the room through the door on your right," he says. "I want you to take this gun and shoot him in the head."
The woman doesn't say anything and, taking the gun, she goes into the room on the right. After a few seconds, a shot is heard, followed by terrible screams and the sound of smashing furniture. Five minutes go past, and then the woman emerges from the room, dishevelled and covered in blood.
"The stupid f***ing gun was firing blanks," she says to the instructor, "so I beat him to death with a chair leg!"
(Thanks Rose)

Two old blokes sitting on a park bench:
First (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
(Thanks Bill)

V***** (look, we can't spell it out properly, but it's the well-known blue pill whose name gets all email binned by anti-spam software) is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
(Thanks Jake - you win this week's star prize of a couple of funny books. Mail us a postal address if you want 'em)

Please send us jokes. Best joke wins small prize. So don't delay - hit the REPLY button now and stiffen our inbox with by jokeual stimulation.

And now ...

as a special treat for St Valentine's Day, some classic I SAW YOUs that we dug out from some old Venues. Real people really did stick these ads in the mag in recent years:

I SAW YOU bank balance. What's going on? Where are you? Who is Charlie anyway and why is my nose bleeding?

I SAW YOU. You left and called the police. I was arrested but not charged. Although we got off to such a bad start, I thought you were pretty neat.

I SAW YOU walking agitatedly up Brandon Hill. You: fleecy haired, goat-faced man with corrugated forehead and left hand jammed inside a rather battered looking toaster. Me: small, mean-looking woman with unkind disposition who casually laughed at your predicament as I passed. Owing to subsequent conversion to Baha'ism, I now place greater significance upon our encounter. Meet some place for prophesy and maybe a drink somewhere nice after.

I SAW YOU bouncing down Park Street, purple velour tracksuit sprayed onto your colossal ginger frame - I particularly liked the view of your two zeppelin arse cheeks colliding with each other as you passed (with a poor silken rag - I guess you'd call it a thong - buried deep in the abyss), please, please find clothes that fit you, try not to run down hill because you might not be able to stop next time, and for goodness sake, close your mouth when you're eating, burger-princess from the planet Gut-Bucket.

I SAW YOU on Sunday when we were chucking our guts up. You're gorgeous even when you're sick. Love you pixiefish, can't wait for NZ.

I SAW YOU policeman who took my details after I had written off my new Peugeot 206 in Cold Ashton on the main Chippenham road on Sunday 3rd October. Not the best of situations, but I'd love to see you again in a better situation!

I SAW YOU at Giant Robot wrapped from head to foot in tin foil. You got it all wrong: it was meant to be a mash-up, not a roast dinner.

I SAW YOU in the cloakroom at Po Na Na, fancy a drink? My syphilis has now cleared up.

I SAW YOU at E-Shed. All I wanted to do was rip your clothes off and shag you. But then I had to go...

I SAW YOU. I've never been so taken aback by such an attractive girl in my life. I mean, usually girls are not my thing at all.

I SAW YOU at Council elections, Hengrove ward. You guy with grey curly hair staring at me, sexy presiding officer. Let's meet up.

Webby things

Bet they don't do this down your local Starbucks ... www.thatwasfunny.com/espresso-art
(Thanks Shane)

Intellectual discussion about Darwin uk.youtube.com

Draw pictures with your voice www.zefrank.com/zesblog/archives

The future of computer gaming fc51.deviantart.com

Just some fabulous pics of sailing ships www.boston.com/bigpicture

The map of Heaven www.flickr.com/photos/charliegower

If the Bible came with a health warning ... farm1.static.flickr.com

Cooking with your washing machine www.tomscott.com/washing-machine

Lego New York niemann.blogs.nytimes.com

Soviet Lolcats rolcats.wordpress.com

The Beatles' songs in reverse order of goodness magazine.jamsbio.com

And don't forget to buy Venue.

The management have promised us all the snow we can eat if you do!

Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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