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Houses, books, pole-dancing and pies. What else do you need?
If we could live anywhere we wanted, we'd live at a newsagents, or maybe at the 24-hour garage. That way we'd be able to get the new Venue the minute it came out.
HOME TRUTHS - So where are the best places to live in Bristol and Bath and neighbouring parts? And is now the time to buy, or to carry on renting? We quiz estate agents, residents and dig up all sorts of statistics to guide you through the housing maze in these here troubled times.
BATH LIT FEST
Two weeks of bookish loveliness with some of the sharpest quills in the business kicks off in Bath this weekend. We pick out the highlights and talk to festival guest Polly Toynbee, who launches her typically forthright new book 'Unjust Rewards'. "It's not the very cleverest people who earn the very most," she tells us. "There's no rhyme or reason for it and it's very unfair."
GRADUATE GUIDE
If you're about to finish at college/uni, or even if you've been out in the big bad world for a couple of years, you'll want our guide to job-hunting, local courses and more.
PLUS - Pole-dance your way to loveliness ... Bestselling funny author Jasper Fforde ... The West's best pies ... Cult Welsh crooner Sweet Baboo ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or the footage of your Oscar acceptance speech to the bathroom mirror goes on YouTube.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Doorbell repairman.
(Thanks Monica)
I was at my mate's house when his wife asked, "Do I have anything on my cheeks?" to which, he responded, "Which cheeks?" She gave a cheeky smile and a flirtatious giggle, and it looked like he was going to get lucky that night.
I thought I'd try the same thing back at home, but it didn’t work out so well.
My wife happened to ask, "Do I have anything on my chin?" to which I responded, "Which chin?"
(Thanks Al)
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took £300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge £20."
"Twenty quite for a whole night?!" the amazed MP replied. "You can't make a living out of that."
"Oh, don't worry," she replied. "I don't do this for a living. I have a day-job as well."
"And what is your day-job?"
"I blackmail politicians."
(Thanks Maura)
Q: What do you call a person who speaks three languages?
A: Tri-lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: Bi-lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: English
(Thanks Edd)
In the 1960s, the Queen was on a state visit to the United States. In New York she attended a reception held in her honour by the Mayor, and was being introduced to large numbers of people.
Speaking to one for a little while she said, "And what do you do?"
The New Yorker replied, "I'm a photographer, Ma'am"
"How interesting," said the Queen, making polite conversation. "My brother-in-law, Lord Snowdon, is a photographer, too."
"What a coincidence!" said the New Yorker. "My brother-in-law is a queen!"
(Thanks Mills)
Dan was a single man living at home with his father and working in the family business.
Unfortunately, his father was diagnosed with a fatal illness. He came home and explained to Dan that he only had a few months to live, but he assured his son that he would be OK as he would inherit the business and a huge fortune in cash.
The same evening, Dan was in the pub when he spotted the most beautiful young woman he had ever set eyes on. She was sitting alone, so, summoning up his courage, he went up to her and offered to buy her a drink.
"Sorry," she shook her head. "But you're just not my type."
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit a thriving business and several million pounds."
Now she seemed impressed. They chatted for the rest of the evening and at the end of it he gave her his business card.
Three days later she became his step-mother.
(Thanks Van)
Barack Obama's Kenyan half-brother George has been arrested by police in Nairobi on charges of possession of marijuana. It seems like a tradition that high-ranking American politicians have a brother that taints their names. Bill Clinton had his brother Roger, Jimmy Carter had his brother Billy, and Jeb Bush had his brother George.
(Thanks Jack)
A woman was in bed with her husband's best friend when the phone rang.
She had a brief conversation and then hung up. "That was Harry," she said. "But don’t worry. He won't be home for a few hours yet. He's gone to the pub with you."
(Thanks Bill)
I saw an advert in the paper which said, "We GUARANTEE you can make a million pounds by playing the Stock Market. Just send £1.99 for our special investor information pack now!'
Well, I thought. Just £1.99 and they guarantee I'll make a million! Result! So I sent off my £1.99.
A few days later my "information pack" arrived. I tore open the envelope. All it said was "Start with five million pounds … "
(Thanks Michael)
I parked in a disabled space the other day, and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now f*** off you c***!"
(Thanks Ellie, you win this week's star prize, a nice illustrated book about world music. Mail us a postal address if you want it.)
Please send us jokes. Preferably funny ones that we've not heard before and which don’t have too many rude-type words in that'll get our spam blocked by corporate censorware. Best one every week wins some stuff. And in these credit crunchy times we'll also try to revive the sponsored jokes; send us a joke on behalf of your business, club or coven and if we run it we'll also tell everyone your web address. So don’t delay – hit that REPLY button and make our inbox swell with the firm strokes of your funnyness now.
Webby fun ...
Local RSPCA clinic and dogs & cats' home has new website where you can donate, or even adopt a new pet.
www.rspca-bristoldogsandcatshome.org.uk
"Only America could come up with something this obscenely removed from global reality," says Minnie Clubman, sender of this link.
www.ifoce.com/index
How not too sell cars. blogs.ellamey.com
Gross. www.dailymail.co.uk/news
Nazis in colour community.livejournal.com/photo_polygon
Funny song. Not worksafe at all. www.collegehumor.com
Ten embarrassing sex-related arrests theirtoys.com/sexblog
Home decorating practical joke www.youtube.com/watch
How to make a model sailing ship out of meat. www.supersizedmeals.com/food/article
Man tries to see how many toothpicks he can put in his beard www.youtube.com/watch
And please remember to buy Venue.
It's what we'd do if we could afford it.
Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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