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Spring into action
It's budding and busting out all over down at the newsagents. The latest edition of Venue magazine has flowered with:
SHORT BREAKS - It's been a grim old couple of months, hasn't it? So now that spring is almost here, how about an inexpensive mini holiday? We've picked out 40 top-notch hotels, B&Bs, campsites and, oh yes, yurts where you can chill out for a few days.
TAKING THE PLUNGE - Inspirational or insane? A group of elderly swimmers in Clevedon take a dip in the sea every single day of the year, no matter what the weather. They tell us why on earth they do it.
PLUS - Win a cocktail kit ... Would you eat squirrel? Why game is back on the menu ... Julian Fellowes on 'The Young Victoria' ... Sober & Dribbla: Bristol hip-hop's rising stars ... Inflatable street art ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll claw back your £700,000 a year pension.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
In Germany, McDonalds restaurants usually serve beer as well as cola, coffee, shakes etc., so when Herman the tourist is visiting Britain and feeling thirsty, he nips into a McDonalds for a swift one.
The assistant politely explains to him that McDonalds outlets in the UK don't usually serve beer, but a local man, who's been standing behind Herman and feels as though he's been queuing too long loses his rag: "They don't serve BEER here, you German MORON!"
Herman was embarrassed and turns to leave. As he does so, a thought occurs to him. He turns, looks at the Englishman and is soon laughing loudly.
"So what's so funny?" demands the Englishman.
Herman says; "I just realised that you must have come in here for the food!"
(Thanks Hilly)
My husband bought me one of those "mood rings" the other day. When I'm in a good mood, the stone on it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a little red dent mark on his forehead.
(Thanks May)
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
(Thanks Tom)
Mr and Mrs Jones had splashed out on a dream holiday in South Africa. Mr Jones, who had been in Germany on business, flew from Frankfurt the day before his wife was due to fly in from Heathrow.
Mr Jones checked into his hotel and decided to use the hotel's email facilities to send his wife a quick message to say he'd arrived safely.
However, he accidentally left out one letter of the address, and without realising his mistake, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Birmingham, another Mrs Jones, recently widowed, returned home after her husband's funeral.
She checked her email, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
Among them was a message from Africa.
Her eyes went wide and she said, "Oh, My God!"
Her son came in the room. "What's wrong, Mum?" he asked.
She was too flabbergasted to speak, but she motioned to the screen. Her son took a look. It read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Darling,
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have free email here, so I thought I'd just send you a quick message to say I've just arrived and have been checked in.
Looking forward to your arrival tomorrow!
Your Loving Hubby.
P.S. It's bloody hot down here!
(Thanks Lauren)
Went to see the doctor for my annual check-up today.
"You really should stop wanking", he said to me.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because I'm trying to examine you", he said.
(Thanks Rob)
Janet's dog seemed to be having trouble hearing, so she took him to the vet.
"The problem," said the vet after examining the dog, "is that he has all this hair in his ears. What you need to do is go to the chemist and get some hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Janet thanked the vet and went off to Boots where she got some Nair.
As she was paying for it, the pharmacist said, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
"I'm not using it under my arms," she said.
The pharmacist said: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
Janet replied: "I'm not using it on my legs either. I'm going to use it on my schnauzer."
"Oh, OK" says the pharmacist, "in that case, don't ride your bicycle for a week."
(Thanks Anon)
Dave ran a shop on a rough estate and decided he needed a vicious dog to help protect his business. He went to visit a breeder who specialised in attack dogs, explaining that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most aggressive dog in the whole kennel.
The breeder took him on a tour of the premises and showed him a big dog that was snarling loudly and clawing at the bars of the cage.
"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said Dave.
"He's not bad," said the breeder, "but I have something better in mind for you."
They came to a cage with an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said Dave, "This is the dog for me!"
"Nahh," said the breeder. "I've got something far better."
They walked on until they came to a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on its side, licking its arse. He didn't notice the men approaching, and when he did see them, he looked at them with no interest, and returned to licking his behind.
"THIS is the dog you need," said the breeder.
"You're joking!" said Dave. "This dog seems completely tame; he doesn't act like an attack dog at all. He's just lying there, licking his arse!"
"He's fairly docile right now because he's just had a huge meal," said the breeder. "He ate a whole banker, and now he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
(Thanks Slim. This week’s star prize is a Lionel Richie CD, but if you can’t stand the irony let us know and we’ll sort you with a couple of books.)
Please send jokes, preferably funny ones we’ve never heard before, because if you don’t our spam will be no better than all the other crap you get in your inbox hassling you to buy stuff. Although when you think about it, our spam would be superior anyway because we wouldn’t try and sell you a fake Venue “The women will go wild for you when they see one of our genuine replica Venue magazines in your wrist – and it’s yours for just $200.” I mean, that would just be stupid, wouldn’t it? We only sell genuine Venues. And … Oh look, just send us jokes. Best one every week wins some stuff.
Webby fun ...
The science of what women want …women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships
Wave farm in Portugal www.equitygroups.com/generalstockdiscussion
Finally! A remote the grandparents can use! www.divinecaroline.com/article
Coolest wine cellar ever halbot.haluze.sk
Major cuteness www.youtube.com
How to crack system passwords blog.jimmyr.com
Cookery from the Great Depression www.youtube.com/user/DepressionCooking
The Kitten War rathergood.com/kitten_war
Weebl & Bob spoof Ghostbusters. It is an advert, mind. www.goovies.co.uk/goobusters
Tasteful tableware i.gizmodo.com
Student midwife monitors her cervix through her cycle. Not worksafe, unless you’re a gynaecologist. Or a midwife.
www.beautifulcervix.com/photos-of-cervix
Brilliant little French animation and song about the dangers of coffee. www.youtube.com
Books and music that make you dumb. blogs.wsj.com/digits/2009/02/27/books-and-music-that-make-you-dumb
And please remember to buy Venue.
It's what we'd do if we could afford it.
Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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