It's a Riot!

Well, there's always a riot down the newsagents whenever the latest edition of Venue is in, as the masses surge and struggle to get hold of a copy. (Look, I know this isn't strictly true, but I can dream, can't I?)

SUMMER OF RAGE? - If some pundits are to be believed, then recession, unemployment and everyone's understandable need to lynch bankers are going to combine in a summer of rioting and unrest. But are angry mobs really going to take to the streets of Bristol? A special report.

THE ART OF SEDUCTION - A Bristol dance school's offering to teach you the art of seduction via chair dancing and burlesque. What's that all about? We stick on our sequins to find out.

OUMOU SANGARE - The summer season of St George's Bristol's Migrations series kicks off in fine style with one of Mali's undoubted superstars. We go all the way to Bamako to meet her.

'GOOD' - An everyday tale of a 'nice' Nazi, C.P. Taylor's acclaimed play 'Good' has taken almost 30 years to make it to the big screen. Jason Isaacs, better known for being in Harry Potter, tell us why it was such a struggle that started when he was a student at Bristol.

PLUS - Win festival & concert tickets ... Bhangra megastar Malkit Singh ... Ready meals go gastro ... RSPCA Week ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll publish the pictures of your Easter Egg frenzy.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!

Jokes

Q. What do you call two naughty robbers?
A. A pair of knickers!
(Thanks to three-year-old Jem for that, sent via Sarah-Jayne)

Little Johnny (him again!) is in a biology lesson. The teacher says that an interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Suddenly, the little boy's hand shoots up.
"That's not quite right, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat in the garden, and next door's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat arched his back and went: "ffffffffffffff! fffffffffffffff! ffffffffffffff! ... but before the cat could say 'F**k Off!' the dog ate him".
(Thanks Kate)

Q: What's the difference between cancer and a cow?
A: Max Clifford can't milk a cow.
(Thanks to lots of you for that one.)

Three friends are smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says, "Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs."
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some of the spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a joint.
He gives it to one of the others, who lights it, takes a long drag, and then passes out.
After an hour he's still out cold, so they decide they'd better take him to A&E.
When they get to the hospital, he's taken into intensive care. The doctor says to his friends, "So what was he doing then - Cannabis?"
"Well sort of", replies one of the guys. "But we ran out, so I made a home-made spliff."
"What did you put in it?" says the doc.
"Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric, garam masala and a couple of other spices." comes the answer.
The doctor sighs, "Well that explains it. He'll be here for three weeks before he wakes up."
"Why, what's wrong with him?" asks one of the men.
The doctor replies, "He's in a korma ... "
(Thanks Lilz)

Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepherd?
A: The rolling Stones say, "Hey you, get off my cloud" and the Scottish shepherd says, "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"
(Thanks Mark)

John loved Mary. He especially loved her innocence. Mary had been to a convent boarding school and he loved the way that she seemed so free of many of the corrupt ideas of modern society.
The day they got married was the happiest of his life.
After the wedding service, they were being driven in a limo to the reception.
As the car passed through a rough part of town, Mary asked John: "John, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts over there?"
"Oh, they're just tarts. They hire their bodies out for sex at £50 a time."
"Wow! Fifty pounds," exclaimed his bride. "All we ever got from Father Flanagan was a lollipop."
(Thanks Maura)

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"You ok?" she says.
"Yes." he says.
"You can go and play with the other kids you know," she says.
"It's best I stay here," he says.
"Why? says the blonde.
"Because, I'm the f***ing goalie."
(Thanks Jake.)

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
(Thanks Tim. You win this week's star prize - more funny books from the big pile. Send us an address if you want same.)

Please send us jokes. Jokes are the air beneath our wings, they are the cream in our coffee, the Marmite in our Black Forest Gateau. Also, the best joke each week wins some stuff, but be quick, as the management made us eat the Madonna and Cliff Richard books in lieu of food.

Websites

Lovely pics of rice terraces www.environmentalgraffiti.com

Creepy ant-inspired robot. www.youtube.com

Beach made of garbage www.latimes.com/travel

World statistics in real time. www.worldometers.info
(Thanks Jack)

This'll make you laugh, or very cross, or possibly both ... gawker.com

This is a joke, right? Right? www.conjugalharmony.com

CIA gets clever www.time.com/time/nation/article

Jazz legend Charles Mingus advises on how to get your cat to use the toilet. www.mingusmingusmingus.com/Mingus/cat_training

Government paranoia adverts spoofed www.boingboing.net

The evolution of the office www.wired.com/culture/design/magazine

What a fundamentalist Christian "science fair" looks like. objectiveministries.org/creation/sciencefair

And please remember to buy Venue.

Every time a person passes a newsagent or supermarket without buying a Venue, the management beat us.

Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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