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Stuff your face
Get out the knife, fork and the plates, for tonight we shall dine upon this week's highly nutritious edition of Venue. It provides 100% of the adult daily requirement of words, pictures and staples as well as:
EATING OUT WEST - Venue's annual guide to where (and what) to eat out Round These Parts is free with this issue. It's a massive 340-page feast of information on hundreds of restaurants, cafes, pubs, bars, takeaways and food suppliers throughout Bristol, Bath and beyond. Don't miss it!
THE BOAT THAT ROCKS - It's exactly 25 years since the Thekla (then known as the Old Profanity Showboat) opened her doors. We look back at the good ship's first quarter century.
PLUS - Win concert tickets ... Cheltenham Jazz Festival ... The Summer's biggest blockbusting movies ... Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall interview ... UK thriller 'Shifty' ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or the footage of you dressed as Susan Boyle and singing into a hairbrush goes on YouTube.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!
Jokes
The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?
Yesterday I was at my local Supermarket buying a large bag of Iams Dog Food for my loyal pet, Abby, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the "Iams Diet" again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Iams nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
My Supermarket won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy stuff to say.
(Thanks Sarah-Jayne)
The husband and wife were having a conversation about anger management.
Him: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Her: "I just go and clean the toilet bowl."
Him: "You clean the toilet bowl? You mean like you go and do some routine housework which takes your mind off our argument?"
Her: "Not at all. I use your toothbrush."
(Thanks Polz)
Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
A recent academic study confirmed this.
The study went on to look at what, exactly the women fantasise about doing with the two men.
Turns out that 99% of them want one man to cook and the other to clean.
(Thanks Scott)
We call our father 'Spiderman'.
He hasn't got any super powers - he just can't get out of the bath.
(Thanks Anna)
I turned to the wife the other night and said "I'm going down the pub, get your coat"
"That's nice," she said. "Are you going to buy me dinner?"
"No, I'm turning the heating off."
(Thanks Steve)
A team of archaeologists and scientists in Germany carried out a major research project in which they took several samples of the earth in different parts of their country. Drilling to a depth of 50 metres they found small pieces of copper wire.
After running several tests, they proudly announced that the ancient Germans had a nationwide telephone network 25,000 years ago.
Not to be outdone, the French government ordered its own scientists to take core samples to a depth of 100 metres. They found several tiny pieces of glass. At a press conference they proudly announced that 25,000 years ago, the ancient French had a fibreoptic network far more sophisticated than the German telephone system of that time.
Watching this on TV in a Dublin bar a group of Irish scientists were determined not to take this lying down.
Over the next few weeks they went out and took several core samples to depths of up to 200 metres, and found absolutely nothing but soil and rock.
At the press conference they announced that the ancient Irish were the most advanced civilisation in the world 25,000 years ago, as they already had a mobile phone network in place.
(Thanks Joh; you win this week's star prize; let us know if you'd prefer a book about the history of Bath, or a book about the history of jokes, and send us a postal address.)
Please send jokes. Now. If we don't get enough jokes to fuel the spam we'll have to come and stand outside your house singing to you about how much you need to buy the latest Venue. You really don't want that to happen. Also, the best joke each week wins some stuff from the Venue office. Next week's star prize will be two empty crisp packets, or something even better.
Websites of t'week ...
Lovely aurora borealis photos spaceweather.com
Edible circuits. www.evilmadscientist.com
Films summarised in a rather disturbing fashion. www.postmodernbarney.com
"In Join Or Die, I paint myself having sex with the Presidents of the United States in chronological order." It's art, but Lordy it ain't worksafe. justinelai.com/works
Funny internet song www.madville.com/videos
Talent = 10,000 hours, plus luck www.goodiebag.tv
If only all workplace appraisals were like this www.youtube.com
Why isn't this a popular student drinking game already? www.youtube.com
Olympic sponsorship fail i236.photobucket.com/albums
And please remember to buy Venue.
If you don't the management says we'll have to eat cardboard for the rest of the month.
Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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