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Over 50 minutes of free noise (and bonus video) for every reader
This week's Venue isn't just made of paper. It's made of electrons and plastic and tinfoil as well as it comes with a FREE CD. Your free CD has 12 tracks (and a bonus video!) showcasing some of the very finest local musical talent from all sorts of different genres. Then there's the magazine, too, with:
DR HELICOPTER - Hurt or sick? Stranded somewhere remote? Need help real fast? We catch a ride aboard the Great Western Air Ambulance.
BATH - It's the only city on Earth (along with some swamp called Venice) with World Heritage Site status. As it's festival season, we tell you how to visit Bath, and what to see and do there.
PLUS - Win concert tickets ... Angels and Demons ... Cheeky comic Lucy Porter ...
Hot new theatre at the Tobacco Factory ... Team Brick ... When Paul Robeson came to Bristol ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell you boss it was you who told Joanna Lumley that the Ghurkhas could all stay at his house.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!
Jokes
THE HISTORY OF MEDICINE
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2009 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
(Thanks Jack)
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
(Thanks Jules)
Ted's wife had died when they were still quite young. He had never re-married, but had built up a successful business. He was now 70 years old and very rich.
One day he arrived at the golf club bar with a stunning 25 year-old blonde. The woman had the body of a supermodel and was wearing a skimpy red dress. All the time, she hung over Ted's arm, gazed lovingly into his eyes and listened intently to everything he said.
Ted's golfing mates were amazed. When his new girlfriend went to the ladies, they cornered him, saying: "Ted, how on earth did you manage to pick up a good-looking young thing like her for a girlfriend?!"
Ted replied, "Girlfriend? She's my new wife!"
Now they were completely knocked over.
"How on earth did you get her to marry you?!!"
"Well, I sort of lied about my age," Ted admitted.
"Really? How old did you say you were? 50?"
Ted smiles and said, "Nope! I told her I was 90!"
(Thanks Brian)
It was my son's birthday yesterday so I took him down the pub and bought him his first pint.
He got into a terrible state. He was sick everywhere.
When I got him home, my wife went absolutely crazy about what I'd done.
THEN he puked again, and then he s**t himself.
I suppose it’s a good job he's still in nappies.
(Thanks K.)
The husband had just finished reading one of those self-help books entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
“Afterwards, you are going to run me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The undertaker would be my first guess."
(Thanks Ellie)
I was speaking to the manager of my local bank the other day. He said that with the recession and credit crunch, he was going to have to concentrate on the big issues from now on.
He sold me one outside KFC yesterday.
(Thanks Bill)
The very religious Catholic girl went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven Lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it'll wipe that smile off of your face!"
(Thanks Char)
Two women came before the wise King, dragging between them a young man in a suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the king until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," the king commanded one of his servants, "and I shall cut the young man in half. Each of your daughters shall receive an equal share of him."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, I beg you to spare his life! Rather than kill him, let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "This man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed everyone in the court.
"Indeed," said the wise king. "That proves that she is his true mother-in-law."
(Thanks Denny)
Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in there!
(Thanks Trev)
A man has been found guilty of benefit fraud, tax evasion and embezzlement. As he stands in the dock, the judge says to him: "Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?"
"Yes," he replies. "May I count on your vote in the coming elections?”
(Thanks Laura, you win this week’s star prize. A couple of funny books, or a couple of children’s books, or one of each – let us know.)
Please send us jokes, otherwise we’re going to have to get an MP to buy them for us. Best one each week wins a wee prize. Also, you’re making people happy with the priceless gift of laughter or the gift of mild amusement, which comes in at around 20p a minute.
Websites?
E-petition for 20mph speed limit in Briz http://epetitions.bristol.gov.uk/view/20splenty
The ultimate office accessory? http://www.youtube.com/watch
(Thanks Robin)
Stop-Motion movie using 1300 photo prints. Sheer genius. http://www.youtube.com/watch
(Thanks Robin)
The Onion - Trekkies bash new Star Trek film http://www.theonion.com/content/video
Stamps as art as politics stuff. http://www.misteraitch.co.uk/MrH_Prints.html
Different business card designs http://www.graphicfetish.com
Slow news day. Read some of the comments, too. http://www.thisiskent.co.uk/news/Whitstable-mum-custard-shortage
'Stenders spoofed. Very offensive and not worksafe. http://www.youtube.com/watch
This is probably hilariously funny if you're in the right mood http://playhimoffkeyboardcat.com
"Pythagorus the Cretinous Penguin" - an animation. http://www.youtube.com/watch
"Keeping your refrigerator stocked will get you many women" Kinda sweary. http://www.youtube.com/watch
Your skin up close. Ewwwwww!!! http://www.evtv1.com/player
(Thanks Jack)
And please remember to buy Venue.
The management will put us forward as the freakshow loser acts on Britain’s Got Talent if you don’t.
Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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