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Top of the Shops
What's your favourite local shop? The place where you go for that personal touch, the place that makes your neighbourhood worth living in? Why the newsagent of course, where they have this week's Venue:
LOCAL SHOPS FOR LOCAL PEOPLE - Forget all those hideous chainstores that make every mall and High Street the same. Join us as we seek out the very best independent shops in Bristol and Bath.
DR ALICE ROBERTS - Bristol's telly science boffin talks about her new BBC series examining human evolution. We ask the big questions like, er, her favourite thing on toast?
PLUS - Soul legend Booker T talks to Venue! ... Meet the Reverend Billy, who'll save you from shopping (yes, we did notice the irony) ... Bristol Vegan Fayre ... The Bristol actresses starring in schoolkid comedy-horror, 'Tormented' ... Dot to Dot festival ... Bank holiday clubbing special ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss you've been claiming expenses for the moat around your house.
* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!
Jokes
There once was a slimmer named Steen
Who grew so phenomenally lean
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
So that sideways he couldn't be seen.
(Thanks Jack)
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their sons are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second woman says, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The others turn to her and say, "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is 6' 2", spends hours in the gym every day, he's well-hung and he works as a male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'My God!'"
(Thanks Ellie)
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly notices that the man seems to be slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman is sitting there, apparently unconcerned.
The waitress watches as the man slides all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman appears calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress goes over to the table and says to the woman, "Pardon me, madam, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looks up at her and says, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
(Thanks Trev)
Mrs Jones went to the surgery for an appointment, and found she had an appointment with one of the practice's new young doctors.
After four minutes she ran screaming out of his consulting-room.
One of the older doctors was passing at the time, and he stopped her and asked her what was the matter.
After she told her story, he had her sit down in the waiting room and asked one of the receptionists to bring her a cup of tea. He then marched into the young Doctor's room and said: "What on earth is the matter with you? Mr Jones is 63 years old. She has four grown-up children and six grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor, still tapping his case-notes into his computer said without looking up: "And does she still have the hiccups?"
(Thanks Norm)
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it...
...will the local MP claim for it on expenses?
(Thanks Si)
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and decided to just blurt it out. He said: "Mum, I have something important to tell you. I'm gay."
His mother said nothing, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay - doesn't that mean you put other men's thingies in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Um, yes Mum, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with the wooden spoon and said, "Right! So don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
(Thanks Brian)
After months of unemployment, Steve finally managed to get a job at an "adult" store. It wasn't his ideal job, but he was determined to make a go of it.
On his first day, the manager said, "Steve, I've got to go to the bank, and then pick up a few things in the shops. I'll be back in less than an hour, but meanwhile you're in charge."
A few minutes later, three giggling female students walked in and started looking at the vibrators.
The first one asked, "what is that black one?" pointing to the middle shelf.
Steve, who had already familiarised himself with the merchandise said, "That's Black Beauty and it sells for £25".
"I'll take it" said the girl.
The second pointed to a larger one on the lower shelf saying, "What's this white one called?"
"That," said Steve, "is the Great White Hope, and it sells for £50."
"I'll take it," said the girl.
The third girl looked around for a while, and then asked Steve, "And what is THAT one? The enormous one with the tartan pattern on it."
She was pointing to the top shelf behind him. Steve looked, turned and said, "Er, that's The Scotsman, and it, er, sells for £75."
"I'll take it!" said the girl.
A while later the manager came back and asked how things had gone.
"Great," said Steve. "I sold a Black Beauty for £25, a Great White Hope for £50, and I sold your Thermos Flask for £75."
(Thanks Andrea. You win this week’s star prize. Let us know if you want a couple of chick-lit novels or a pair of children’s books.)
Please send jokes. You can always claim the cost of them back on expenses. Besides, the best one each week wins some stuff.
Websites?
New audio sitcom made in Bristol and with a galaxy of guest-stars. www.holeyvoid.co.uk/listen
New local news blogger jonesthenews.wordpress.com
New local street art site www.bristol-street-art.co.uk
The sort of opening paragraph that every hack dreams of getting to write www.clarepeople.com/index.php
You know you want one! www.kisscostumes.com
(Thanks Robin)
Goths and hot weather. They just don’t mix, do they? gothsinhotweather.blogspot.com
Mark Thomas doesn’t want Thatcher to have a state funeral www.markthomasinfo.com
Mr T. Tat www.toplessrobot.com
When My Little Pony turns evil … www.youtube.com/watch
Educational AND amusing. Marvellous. www.youtube.com/user/horriblehistoriesBBC
The Red Army Choir and t.a.t.u at Eurovision 2009 www.youtube.com/watch
And please remember to buy Venue.
The management have promised to let us clean out the moat if you do, but then they’re in a good mood because everyone’s whining about politicians fiddling thousands while corporate fatcats get away with millions.
Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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