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Picnickers
On a sunny day, what could be nicer than packing a picnic hamper, a bottle of bubbly and a rug, and spreading it all out outside the newsagents shop waiting for it to open so's you can get this week's Venue with:
FRESH AIR 'N' FOOD - Enjoy our cheapo picnic tips, and maybe win an entire deli picnic. Plus our guide to the best pub & restaurant gardens, patios, terraces, decktops and riverside spots locally.
UPFEST - Bristol's Urban Paint Festival is back; we take a sneak preview of the latest dance, music and graffiti-heavy international weekender.
ELECTION FEVER STRIKES (not many dead) - Bristol has council elections, the whole country has Euro elections. We look at the issues, the candidates and the form. No, look, it's really interesting. Honest.
PLUS - Win a Camper van break! ... My life as a Ladyboy ... Supernatural bloodbath flick 'Drag Me To Hell' ... Bristol Festival of Nature ... Cheltenham Science Festival ... Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson on 'Last Chance Harvey' ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone you said they can dump their garbage in your bedroom while the binmen are on strike.
* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!
Jokes
One Monday, a florist went to a barber for a haircut.After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later on Tuesday, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later on Wednesday, a college professor came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning there was a "thank you" card and a dozen different books, such as "How To Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Then on Thursday, an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay the bill the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doingcommunity service this week."
The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
(Thanks Jack)
You know you are Australian if ...
You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
- You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
- You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
- You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
- You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
- You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
- You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
- You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
- You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
- Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
- You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
- You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
(Thanks Del)
Little Ralphy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6'", replies Ralphy.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f#*cking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
Little Ralphy was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Ralphy, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go"
Little Ralphy, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t*its, you'd be a TEN!"
(Thanks Johnny)
This just could just be a coincidence but has anyone else noticed ...
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu causes international panic.
If the pattern isn't a fluke, next year might be a worry.
2010 is Chinese year of the Cock.
(Thanks Pam)
When I was a teenager my older brother took me aside one day and told me that he was gay.
I called the police. I said, "could you send over a police car right away? It's for my brother. He's a homosexual."
The officer in the police station said, "We can't send over a patrol car just because your brother's gay!!"
I said, "Oh please! He loves a man in uniform and today's his birthday and I wanted a nice surprise for him."
(Thanks Terry. You win this week's star prize, a couple of books; tell us if you want funny, detective or kids' books.)
Please send jokes. Or food. Either's good. The best joke each week wins a prize, and next week's is that good; we've just had review copies of PRISONER CELL BLOCK H (episodes 33-64) and NEIGHBOURS - THE ICONIC EPISODES: VOLUME 2. That is, we just got the DVDs, not the actual boxes or anything. But we're sure some of you will consider these things worth having.
Websites
Amazing pics of kingfishers www.charliehamiltonjames.com/GalleryMain.asp
Lol(fat)cats lolfatcats.com
Doctor raps about nasal health. apps.wbez.org/blog
How to understand the timeline in the Terminator movies www.cracked.com/topic/254-the-terminator
Interesting optical illusion illusioncontest.neuralcorrelate.com
Weird perversion of the week (scroll down for pics) - not worksafe. forum.doctissimo.fr
"Floating Ecopolis for Climate Refugees" www.beautifullife.info/urban-design/lilypad
Interesting science talk, including graphic footage of man having sex with a pig. Sort of. Not worksafe. www.youtube.com/watch
Awkward family photos awkwardfamilyphotos.com
There's a place called Muff in Ireland. And is there a scuba club? Yes there is. www.muffdivingclub.ie
And please remember to buy Venue.
The management have said they'll dress one of us up in a lion costume to be chased around Bradley Stoke by the police helicopter yet again if you don't.
Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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