Another free CD!!

This week's Venue is even bigger value that ever, as it comes with a FREE CD sampler of four tracks from hugely talented up 'n' coming local band Bizali. And then there's loads of stuff to read as well:

MIND HOW YOU GO - A special report on the policing of Avon & Somerset. We take a long hard look at the local force, go out on patrol with some officers, and get the inside view.

LOOKING FOR ERIC - Bath-championing director Ken Loach takes his shot at the feel-good, sports-orientated market with his new film starring footballing legend Eric Cantona. We met them both.

PLUS - Veteran actor Timothy West on his forthcoming play at Bath Theatre Royal ... Fishing drama-documentary 'The End of the Line' ... Bristol Shakespeare Festival ... The West's best delis ... Those Bristol local election results dissected in full ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell Gordon Brown you said he should resign.

* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!

Jokes

Q. What's the smallest woman in the world called?
A. Dot
(Thanks Emma)

A man walked into a crowded bar with a pet alligator walking by his side. The man worked his way up to the front of the bar, bent down, and lifted the alligator up, putting it carefully onto the bar top. The alligator opened its jaws in a threatening display, displaying a wicked set of teeth. The man turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will place my genitals inside this alligator's mouth, and it will close its mouth for one minute, after which, it will open its mouth and I will then remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured its general approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates into the alligator's open mouth. The alligator closed its mouth, and the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened its mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed, as promised.
The crowd cheered at this, and the first of the free drinks was delivered to the man where he now sat at the bar. He stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone 100 pounds who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman spoke up:
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
(Thanks Nick)

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo! ... Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot
(Thanks Pam)

Q. What is white and furry and smells of peppermint?
A. polo bear.
(Thanks Trev)

Q: What is Mr.T's favourite yoghurt?
A: Ah Petit Filous
(Thanks Theron)

It was the first really hot day of summer in 1580, and William Shakespare decided he wanted to go swimming. He was worried, though, that his swimming trunks, which had been in the drawer all winter, might have been chewed by the moths. So he put them on and asked a friend to look at the back to check they were OK.
"They're fine," said his friend. "No holes, bard."
(Thanks Norm)

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"
(Thanks Donna. You win this week's star prize. Last week's DVDs remain very unclaimed, so let us know if you'd prefer Prisoner Cell Block H, series 2, or Neighbours Iconic Episodes, series 2. They're only review copies, mind, so there's no nice box. Let us know if you'd prefer some books.)

Please send us jokes. We need jokes like the flower needs the rain, like the mountains need rocks, like the car needs eggs, etc. Best one every week wins some stuff. We particularly like jokes we've not heard before and don't have too many rude body part words in that'll get our spam trapped in mid-internet by the censoring robots of capitalism. Man.

Websites, by Jove

Major cuteness www.dailymail.co.uk/news

Brilliant wedding invitation. Though we suspect that if any couples out there are tempted to copy this, they will end up calling it off.
www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2009

Yes, Virginia, the UK libel laws are completely insane. Why do you ask? www.senseaboutscience.org.uk

"Proud to do God's work" news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east

Nice collection of Quarrymen/early Beatles photos www.taringa.net/posts/imagenes

Japanese "battle underwear" shibuya246.com

Adverts from the golden age of sexism www.oddee.com

The alphabet, courtesy of Google Maps rhettdashwood.com.au

A misleading song about a very big machine www.rathergood.com/bagger288

"This Godless communism." US Catholic propaganda from the 60s. www.authentichistory.com/1960s

And please remember to buy Venue.

The management have promised to put surveillance cameras in our dungeon so we can pretend we're on Big Brother if you do.

Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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