This Week's Spam

What's Up Docks?

With a YO-HO-HO and a BOTTLE OF DANDELION AND BURDOCK! It be that time of year again, YARR ... Time to HOIST THE MAINSAILS and STEER A COURSE for the NEWSAGENTS MAIN and SEIZE this week's edition of VENUE with:

HARBOUR FESTIVAL - Bristol's biggest free public event of the year sails into town with music, circus, dance from the cream of local talent and some international showstoppers, too. We've got all the latest AND an interview with Candi 'Young Hearts Run Free' Staton.

MEATING PLACES - Fancy a camel burger or a slice of kudu? Two new cafes in Bristol are serving up everything from antelope to zebra. Who's for an impala burger?

PLUS - Sienna Miller interviewed on 'G.I. Joe' ... WOMAD review ... Audrey 'Amélie' Tautou in 'Coco Before Chanel' ... Rik Mayall comes to Bath stage ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss what you did to his desk while he was on holiday.

* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!

Jokes!

Little Johnny had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse darling."
Little Johnny said "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily: "Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."
(Thanks Denise)

Fresh from her shower, a blonde stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," the husband replies.
She stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"
"Well it worked for your arse, didn't it?" says the husband.
(Thanks Rina)

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
...
...
...
...
...
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
(Thanks Donna)

A woman found a note on the refrigerator one morning:
"My Dear Wife,
"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Premier Inn. Please don't be upset-I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
"I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.
"I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Travelodge with Michael, one of my students, who is also the Assistant Tennis Coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
"PS: As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."
"Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
(Thanks Tony)

A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party. They're driving home in an open top sports car and the woman takes off her dress so she can flash at the passers-by. Unfortunately the boyfriend watches her not the road and they crash. The naked woman is thrown clear but the boyfriend is trapped in the wrecked car. The only thing she can find to cover herself is one of her boyfriends shoe's, so she runs to a nearby garage holding the shoe over her crotch. She shouts to a mechanic "Help!, help! my boyfriend's trapped!" The mechanic takes one look at the shoe and says "you need a doctor, he's too far in for me!"
(This sponsored joke comes courtesy of www.telecomplus.org.uk/cash)

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

Did you hear about the gay midget? It took him a lot of courage, but he finally came out of the cupboard.
(Thanks to Chrstine for those. You win this week's star prize of some funny books from the pile in the office. Mail us a postal address for them.)

Please send us jokes. It's not desperately urgent as the Spam department is going to be away for a month. We would like to say this was a holiday, but actually we're impersonating one of the management for a short prison spell. But we'll need jokes on our return, so send 'em now. Preferably ones we've not heard before and don't have too many rude words or sexual body part words in as that gets the spam intercepted by robots which can't tell the difference between humour and a fraudulent offer to sell certain products we can't even mention in jokes. Best gag each week wins a prize, or you can send us one on behalf of your company, club or religious cult and if we run the joke we'll tell all our spamvictims your web address.

Websites

Spoof facebook pages http://mashable.com/2009/07/26/funniest-fake-facebook

Acronyms and Abbreviations http://www.businessballs.com/acronyms.htm
(Thanks John)

How to be homeless in the Land of the Free. http://www.squidoo.com/what_to_buy_if_you_are_homeless

Mesmerising time-lapse video of a ship going through a canal at night http://www.youtube.com
(Thanks Jack)

CT scanner art http://www.newscientist.com/gallery
(Thanks Elise)

Pickle Surprise. Weird. http://www.youtube.com
(Thanks Shane)

Nirvana vs. Rick Astley http://www.youtube.com
(Thanks Sebastiaan)

How Goldman Sachs controls the world ... http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story

And this is why the human race, all of it, deserves to die. http://www.youtube.com

The secret Pound coin http://spy-coins.com/Pound.html

And please remember to buy Venue.

And please remember to buy Venue. It tells you what's for fun in Bristol and Bath every week, and it's quite good really.

Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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