This Week's Spam

The Best of Bristol & Bath

Soon be autumn. But will we FALL into despair? Are we SHEDDING tears and willing the good sunshine not to LEAF us? Yes, of course we are. But at least we can wander under the shady bowers of the newsagent tree and watch as the golden leaves of this week's Venue fall upon us with:

Autumn Highlights  - There's a stack of our favourite bands coming, plus a brilliant line-up of theatre, films, festivals, events and club nights. We'll tell you the what and the where.

William and Roni - What happened when drum & bass boss Roni Size hooked up with classical mastermind William Goodchild for a one-off Colston Hall-commissioned collaboration.

PLUS - The summer's silliest local stories ... The Bristol Festival reviewed ... Film Festival special ... Farewell Keith Floyd ... Jennifer Connelly, Paul Bettany in Darwin flick 'Creation' ... Bristol bhangra boys, RSVP ... Jobs ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide. 

* Or subscribe for only £4.99 a month! More details here: http://www.venue.co.uk/subs/index.html

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Life on tour

I opened for the Cramps in '86, in Paris. I remember Poison Ivy complimented me on my guitar playing which thrilled me no end. The drummer they had at the time resembled Roy Orbison. He smoked all the weed that I'd hidden in my hatband. I'd never been overseas before, I didn't even know it was all that illegal over there - I'm from the desert, it's just part of our culture. We were so novice and ignorant. We were playing in front of twenty or thirty people in the States on our first tour, and then three thousand the next night in France. That was surreal, but good.

- Howe Gelb interviewed this issue

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Yuck

At the end of July, Bristol Crown Court heard how a woman served a poisoned dessert to her partner, his brother and their father. The 26-year-old woman pleaded guilty to administering poison.

What she did was serve the three men with a roast dinner, followed by poison pudding. One of the men, a chef, thought it tasted disgusting and did not eat the rest. The other two were ill for several days. This isn't funny at all, but we're sure all you food snobby Venue readers with your organic locally-sourced yoghurt will be horrified at the banality of the detail. The potentially lethal last course consisted of Angel Delight decorated with broken pieces of Jammie Dodger on the top. And laced with antifreeze.

- From Venue's review of this summer's oddest news stories, this issue.

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It's the Law

Q. If you could bring in one global law, what would it be?

A. Once a month, turn to whoever is next to you, embrace them, and then stare into their eyes and say you love them. This will either usher in global love and peace, or lead to the funniest punchings ever witnessed.

- Comedian Russell Kane interviewed this ish.

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Jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and  ... oinqwefoin COIHFKUBQP JFDJ wxsdrf?£@

... Oh for God's sake Kanye, let go of the keyboard!! (We got that one off the internet.)

Q. How many indie kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. It's an obscure number; you wouldn't have heard of it.

(Thanks Ben)

A member of Patrick Swayze's family has admitted to the murder of celebrity chef Keith Floyd.

There were rumours that Floyd was planning to put Swayze's ashes into a special mild curry. Lawyers for Swayze's family told a press conference that Floyd had to die because: "Nobody puts Swayze in a korma."

(Thanks Milly. Topical and terrible. That deserves this week's star prize. Mail us a postal address if you want some chick lit novels.)

Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff.

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Websites

Weird and amazing aquatic life forms http://tinyurl.com/ozdnkd

A talking dog http://tinyurl.com/c68d2t

Online dating advice from people who know what they're talking about http://tinyurl.com/pjpa53

Some guy's collection of jammed Tic Tacs http://tinyurl.com/lv7p86

One for ladies who are, like, really into Pokemon http://tinyurl.com/nq4md7

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Competitions

Win Zambezi Express Tickets

Pounding, multi-layered African beats and powerful acapella vocals, all performed by a dynamic, 30-strong company, make 'Zambezi Express' a musical with a difference. It tells the story of Zilli, a boy born in the slums of a mining township in Zimbabwe , as he battles against the dangers of the big city and tries to carve out a future as a football star. The show is on at Durdham Downs from 30 September until 18 October. Tickets cost between £10 and £25 (0113 260 2444), but we've got five family tickets (each one a set of four) to give away. To be in with a chance of winning, you'll just have to get this week's Venue.

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Nipped and..well, think of a word that rhymes with "tucked"...

If you're eating, or are of a nervous disposition, come back and read this bit some other time...

Consultant plastic surgeon Nigel Mercer, who has a practice in Bristol, addressed the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (BAAPS) annual conference in Cardiff last week.

Mr Mercer, who is the BAAPs president, and his colleagues are increasingly concerned about people going abroad for cheap plastic surgery as it's sometimes botched, and the NHS is having to repair the damage.

Mr Mercer said: "I have had a case of a man who went overseas for a tummy tuck. He had drains in and then sat on a long-haul flight home. His tummy opened and the fluid spilled over the aircraft. He was patched up by the NHS but in most areas the NHS will not perform another procedure.

"In another case a woman contacted my surgery to ask when she would be able to walk again after having liposuction abroad. She had six litres of fat removed and she had fainted outside the clinic afterwards. She was left with scarring and bruising but she said the surgeon never mentioned post-operative care."

"I personally would never go abroad for surgery even if it is a fraction of the cost", stated Mercer.

- This, and even more important local stories, in Newshound. Only in Venue.

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Please remember...

To buy Venue. The management have pledged to cut the firm's CO2 emissions by only letting us breathe on Sundays if you don't.

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Cheers then.
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