This Week's Spam

Something for the weekend?

This week's Venue caters for all tastes, from highbrow to lowbrow to brows that meet in the middle. We've got pop music, philosophy and free diamonds (sort of), and all you have to do is give a newsagent £1.50. 

BAT FOR LASHES  - Natasha Khan - Ms Bat for Lashes herself - comes to the Colston Hall this week. Step into the world of pop's sparkly princess as we catch up with her on rehearsal break.  

CHELTENHAM LIT. FEST. - Ten days of the world's best authors, most opinionated politicians, scientists, philosophers, comedians, sports stars, celebrities... and, er, Max Clifford.

PLUS - WIN diamonds!!... Dizzee Rascal interviewed,,, Tinchy Stryder... The Celebrate Food Festival... Trouble in space with epic new SF movie 'Pandorum'... Jobs ads ... And a full review of the Colston Hall's relaunch celebrations... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide. 

* Or subscribe for only £4.99 a month! More details here: http://www.venue.co.uk/subs/index.html

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Street-fighting days

"Some people think there's no grounds for attacking people. But my theory was, these are people who've got to be stopped. It was all right to blitz the hell out of them 40 years ago in the war. Same ideology, you know. This time we're not using bullets and bombs, but we were using bats and bricks. It's not a pleasant thing to do, but in that period that's where I was at. I don't do it now; I'm much too old for it ... I don't want to make out that I'm a tough guy; there's a lot harder men than me in the world and there's a lot more intelligent. I just went about my business, and at times I quite enjoyed it, the camaraderie and the battles and all that."

-  Anti-fascist activist Steve Tilsey interviewed this issue.

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Cynical? Us?

Wednesday 7 Oct
The Pride of Britain Awards 2009
8.00-10.00, ITV1

"Gruesome, tabloid-backed annual parade of Children of Courage, Plucky Pensioners, Our Brave Lads and so on, with hordes of vampiric C-list slebs basking in reflected saintliness and hoping to hoover up any spare public goodwill that might be sloshing around by pulling their special concerned Charity Faces. Even Gordon Brown's advisors appear to feel that it's imperative for him to attend and scare the Brave Cancer Kids with his creepy grin rather than, you know, running the country and stuff."

- That'll be Venue's TV highlights of the coming week, then.

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Hip hopping mad

"I felt compelled to respond to the complete idiot who wrote in last week complaining that they'd missed their flight at Bristol Airport because of "unreasonable hold ups" by the security guard (Plane Crazy, Letters, issue 885).  Two points: a) if you know you have a metal hip, it's perfectly reasonable to assume you're going to have to do some explaining at the metal detector - so any sane person would allow extra time for that; and b) you talk about arriving at the airport 40 minutes before your flight as though that's a normal thing."

- Letters page, this ish.

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Jokes

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to Bristol Zoo; "Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses."

I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again; "Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese."

Nope, that still didn't sound right; "Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi."

Oh stuff it, I thought: "Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

P.S. Send me another one."

(Thanks Evans)

First blonde: Have you ever smelled mothballs?

Other blonde: No. How do you get the little legs apart?

(Thanks Millie)

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

Q: What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
A: Icy dead people.

(Thanks Tones, you win this week's star prize, a selection of CDs from people you might have heard of. Mail us an address if you want 'em.)

Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff.

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Websites

Adverts from old 60's & 70's women's magazines www.gypsycreams.org

Ghastly disturbing horror stuff made from bread www.dailyfork.com/2009/09/bread_has_never_been_so_terrif.php

UK Rock festival history www.ukrockfestivals.com

Flatulence filtering underpants www.myshreddies.com/flatulence_filter_underwear_store_for_instant_flatulence_relief/c/1/mens/

Dogs dressed like Star Wars characters www.screenjunkies.com/movienews/dogs-star-wars-costumes-gallery

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Competitions

Win Brilliant JP Diamonds

Need a little bit more glitz in your life? With their eye-catching sparkle and brilliant allure, real diamonds are the ultimate gem, whether it's for a special-occasions-only statement piece, a modest pair of earrings or the classic solitaire engagement ring. And to put a sparkle in your eye JP Diamonds are giving away a beautiful brilliant cut three-stone diamond pendant to one very lucky Venue reader. This trilogy dropper pendant claw is set with stunning round brilliant cut diamonds that are certified conflict-free and retails at £720.. To be in with a chance of winning, you have to answer a really, really easy question. But you need to buy this week's Venue to find out what it is.

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Say What?

Good morning, Dimitri. Will you have your usual breakfast of coffee, Twinkies and last night's pizza crusts?
That is correct, Chad . You are very lucky to have these things here in Florida .

Darn right, good buddy. USA all the way!
I accept your high-five. What we are doing today?

Lemme see... We got 100 million assorted mails for meds, fake watches and bogus weight-loss pills. Then the Chinese, Russian, Israeli, Libyan and Eye-ranian governments want in to the US government systems for Stealth Bomber blueprints and the recipe for Coca-Cola.
Pah! Work for script kiddies! Have we nothing more interesting?

Well, we have the identity of someone really important - Mr Roger Berry, the MP for Kingswood. He's kinda like the Great Khan, or the Czar of All the Russias . Only for Kingswood, which is a powerful and ancient kingdom in Bristolshire, in Little Old England . I bet he has dozens of wives and thousands of armed retainers.
I see you are a simpleton. It says here in Wikipedia that he's a mere local politician. The only real power he has will be when the local peasants bring him gifts of goats for permission to marry their cousins.

OK, I was just trying to get you fired up. Anyway, someone's been using Mr Berry for a phishing scam. Emails claiming he's looking after millions in "inheritance funds".
And all people have to do to get the money is hand over personal details?

Ten-four. Only problem is that he's a public figure, so marks from all over the world have mailed him direct to ask what's going on. He tells 'em it's a lie and there is no money. But it started me thinking; if we had the identities of a bunch of English politicians, we could take over all the money in England .
Chad, England has no money. They spent it all on bankers' bonuses, tasteless house make-overs and foreign footballers. Nonetheless, I know people in St Petersburg who would pay handsomely for control of the English army. Now tell me how do we sucker their politicians?

OK, we impersonate the Queen of England . She mails all the politicians saying there's just a week left for them to claim their free duck house or moat. All they have to do is click on the link to file their claim.
Chad, you are a genius. And to think only yesterday I was going to have you killed.

-This and even more of the local stories that matter, only in Newshound in this week's Venue.

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Cheers then.
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