This Week's Spam

It's a Living Legend

There's a story going round that you can only get this week's Venue from the bottom of a pair of trousers, but that's just an urban leg end.

Myths - After the endlessly-repeated story of the rogue Bristol Zoo car park attendant, we decided to take a look at some other local myths, from the secret dope factory to the Satanists of Weston and much more. They're all true - a friend of a friend told us.

Blue Reef - Bristol's huge new aquarium, complete with its own reef and 700-odd sharks, puffer fish, seahorses and more is about to open for business. Dive in.

PLUS - Alan 'Jonathan Creek' Davies interviewed ... On the trail of Morrissey ... George Clooney and Meryl Streep in Roald Dahl's 'The Fantastic Mr Fox' ... Monster charity music mash-up Oxjam ... Bath Puppet Fest ... The Big Draw ... Family Halloween fun ideas ... Win movie tickets and/or food! ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

* Or subscribe for only £4.99 a month! More details here: http://www.venue.co.uk/subs/index.html

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Bath is so white

Bath is so white people silently pray that the token black kid at school will be in their kid's class. Bath is so white it has more MCing workshops than it does MCs. Bath is so white that audiences at 'Zambezi Express' on The Downs will be full of Bathonians. Bath is so white even blackberries wear Boden wellies. Bath is so white that when I took my son to Bristol the other day and he started playing football with a group of Somalian asylum seekers I was so excited I wanted to text every person in Bath I know.

- Anna Britten on Bath, this issue.

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Meticulous Germans

"We stopped copying British pop and US rock. We dressed as meticulous Germans in grey and black suits, white shirt and tie, cut our hair short and went on stage like at a Nobel Prize giving or during a scientists' colloquium. We stood cool and motionless behind our trays of electronics. We had no front man, no 'woman enchantment', we didn't bang our heads, throw long hair, we didn't even drop any sweat on the stage floor. As we were not a teen pop band, we felt more like technicians and inventors than musicians. We wanted to be in the background and let the music and sounds speak instead of us."

- Former Kraftwerk member Wolfgang Flür interviewed this issue.

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He's Vile

"Way back in the depths of time - well, the early 90s - I was in a local punk band. I've been blasting the Bristol music circuit for nearly 20 years! The lead singer dubbed me Scrod Vile and it stuck. I always thought he would explain it one day, but he ended up having a mental breakdown and never got round to it.

"I run Pariah Circus, an ultra-theatrical punk rock band that combines performance art and music as one of the UK 's premier gothic, comic, fetish extravaganzas. We have everything from stilt walking and fire throwing to genital mutilation and full frontal nudity.

"I am covered in scar tissue. I have lost eyebrows, I have had drills go into my hair and have now got a rather large comb-over. We take a risk; it's part of the thrill. There is a whole kind of culture at the moment where everyone is afraid of everything, and it's unhealthy."

- Scrod Vile, interviewed in this week's Venue.

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Jokes

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration. "

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to

come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten'!"

(Thanks Jack)

Some useful advice for those of you who fly a lot.  It works well on trains too, especially if you are sitting in the quiet carriage:

1. Take laptop slowly out of case.

2. Slowly open your laptop

3. Switch laptop on

4. Make sure neighbour is watching

5. Go online.

6. Close your eyes and tilt head upwards.

7. Take a very deep breath and open following link http://bit.ly/7DAo

9. Observe face of fellow passenger.

(Thanks Nick)

I was in the pub last night when this slightly dodgy bloke came in selling stuff. He said he had eight legs of venison outside which I could buy for fifty quid.

I turned the offer down because it was two deer.

(Thanks Joe. You win this week's star prize. We'll flip a coin and let you know whether it's a million quid in cash, or some books or CDs no-one in the office wants. Give us a postal address.)

Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. Don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk  now and grease our inbox for love with your funny butter.

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Websites

Bristolian humour http://www.youtube.com/user/terrytheoddjobman

"My favourite memo, ever" http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/09/ps-this-is-my-favorite-memo-ever.html

A song about space, by a scientist http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF2HG1PVZok&feature=player_embedded

20 Things in Nature that look like boobs. Very puerile indeed. http://whipitoutcomedy.com/2009/10/06/20

World's hottest heads of state. No, really. http://hottestheadsofstate.wordpress.com/list/

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Competitions

Win!!!

This issue, there's the chance to win tickets to see 'The Cove', a shocking expose of Japan 's dolphin trade. You can also win vouchers for lunch at the River Cottage Canteen in Bath , part of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's empire, offering top-notch organic food during the day.

But to be in with a chance of bagging either, you'll just have to buy this week's Venue. In all good newsagents, supermarkets, all-nite garages and the like for just £1.50.

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Newshound

The revelation that Noel Edmonds owns a black cab which he drives to avoid traffic jams by using bus lanes means a line has been crossed. That he has a sign in the back of the taxi saying 'Action Against Time Thieves' only drives home the point. Mark Borkowski, described in media reports as Mr Edmonds's "spokesman" (in fact, he's a very high-powered showbiz PR), explained that Mr Edmonds is waging war against "the various faceless officials that steal time".

Traffic congestion is another time thief. And that, too, is doubtless the fault of faceless officials in the council and such.

Mr Edmonds has attracted many snarky comments in recent days about how his time is more important than that of any of the rest of us mere bottom feeders.

This is wrong. Mr Edmonds is to be pitied. For all his money, for all the trappings of success, there is a disastrous void in his life. It's a problem that many celebrities suffer from, but poor Noel has it worse than almost all of them apart from Jeffrey Archer - a complete lack of self-awareness. No amount of money and fame can ever compensate anyone for turning into Alan Partridge.

By the way, can you be at mine at 5.30 tomorrow morning, Noel? I need to be at Temple Meads for an early meeting in London.

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Subscribe

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now or we'll tell the council they can put the city centre sails in your garden. Alternatively, call us on 0117 942 8491 or email s.butler@bepp.co.uk to subscribe to Venue for just £4.99 a month! 

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Please remember...

To buy Venue. The management have promised to let us see a photograph of their luxury Spanish villa if you do.

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Cheers then.
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