This Week's Spam

Leaf Through It

It's autumn. If you stand under a newsagent tree for long enough (and pay £1.50) a lovely golden Venue magazine will flutter down onto you with:

Autumn Escapes - Why not treat yourself and your friend/pet/lover to a weekend away before winter really sets in? We've got a load of getaway ideas to suit all foodie/sporty/relax-y tastes, and - to make it even better - they all clock in on the bright side of £100.

Halloween -  Great for kids, bit uncomfortable if you're a pumpkin. As well as the latest 'Saw' flick and those legions of irritating trick-or-treaters, we know of lots of other spookesome goings-on to get your (vampire) teeth into.

PLUS - Free film and club tickets! ... We try to make sense of all that Tesco/Sainsburys/World Cup/BCFC Stadium thing ... Irish comedian Ed Byrne interviewed ... Ace Geordie folk troupe The Unthanks ... Lynn Barber's coming-of-age fable 'An Education' on screen ... Firework displays ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

* Or subscribe for only £4.99 a month! More details here: http://www.venue.co.uk/subs/index.html

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Mystery Audiences

"Audiences seem to have this collective consciousness, like ants or bees, and all decide instantly and without communicating, whether to find a particular joke funny. It's amazing that it's so binary. You can do a joke that just kills every night and then do it one night and get absolutely nothing. Like an audience has decided as one, 'we don't get that'. It can be in the same town, it can be in the same venue, and a joke that worked last Friday, this Friday just gets nothing. It's incredible. And it happens too quickly to be just a sheep-mentality thing, everyone copying everyone else. I've been in the game 16 years and it's still a mystery to me."

- Irish comedian Ed Byrne, interviewed this issue.

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Protect your privacy

"We were mortified by how many people were prepared to share their personal information with complete strangers. It's clear that last week's awareness campaign has failed to make much of an impact on the general public."

That's Graham Cluley, senior technology consultant at Sophos, who was on the streets of Bristol with a video camera for National Identity Theft Prevention Week. He conducted a number of interviews with passers-by on College Green. All but one of them gave him their full name, and most happily shared their date of birth and email address.

Remember - don't talk to strangers, and don't give them enough information to pretend to be you. Especially people from antivirus companies, who'll end up putting your picture on YouTube and making you look silly. It's here: tinyurl.com/ylgwrh6

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Q&A

What's the first thing you can remember?
I remember staring up at a painting in our sitting room when I was less than two. I remember realising it was a picture of a boy. Not all of these answers will be interesting.

What are you scared of?
I hate balsamic dressing on things. It smells of the tears of the wicked.

Who is your hero?
Sir Ernest Shackleton. He grew up near where I did up in Dublin. I have always been intrigued by what would make someone who grew up here, close to the park and the beach and the dump, want to go to the South Pole.

- Irish Comedian David O' Doherty, interviewed this issue

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Jokes

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any usage mistakes.
So, as they were hiking on a mountain trail, a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishman pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!"
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."
(Thanks Jack)

"So what happened in school today dear?" the mother asked her five-year-old daughter.
"I was in the playground at break-time and one of the boys asked me to plat doctor with him."
"Oh dear," said the mother nervously. "And what happened?"
"Not much. He made me wait for three quarters of an hour and then told me I'd be getting my operation the year after next."
(Thanks Tom)

A middle-aged woman went to see her doctor with bad pains in her knees. He sent her for x-rays and a scan, and she returned for the results.
"I'm afraid the tests show up nothing unusual," the doctor said. "Now is there anything you do that you haven't told me about which might cause the pains?"
"Well," she said, getting embarrassed. "My husband and I often make love doggy-style on the living-room floor."
"That must be it," said the doctor. "That's what's straining your knees. You know, there are plenty of other positions."
She replied: "Not if you want to watch TV, there aren't!"
(Thanks Erica. You win this week's star prize. Got a big pile of CDs here, so mail us and we'll sort you with something you'll want.)

Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. Don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk now and fist our inbox with funnytude.

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Websites

New Bristol Cycling City website http://www.betterbybike.info/

Cake wrecks (Thanks Jack) http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/

World's worst cycle lanes http://www.flickr.com/groups/1239331@N20/

Political left and right explained http://www.informationisbeautiful.net/leftvright_world.html

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Competitions

Win!!!

This week's Venue gives you the chance to win tickets to the UK's biggest indie night with thousands of people dancing themselves stupid all over the country. Here in Bristol, Propaganda is on every Wednesday at Syndicate and packs 'em in week after week with their blend of the best new and classic alternative tunes.

We also have tickets for a special Halloween screening of the classic German vampire horror flick 'Nosferatu' - with special musical accompaniment.

For the chance to win either/both, see this week's Venue mag.

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Newshound

GOOD WEEK
... To buy McVities instead ... Turns out that Prince Charles his very self is planning to plonk 2,000 houses on the edge of Bath, at Newton St Loe. Most of the land in the village is owned by the Duchy of Cornwall, and all the people living there are the Prince's tenants. As one told the press last week, they thought he was into preserving the countryside, and that tenants aren't allowed to build garages, or anything like that. "I wonder what the Queen would say," said one. We're wondering what it's going to do for sales of Duchy Originals biscuits in Bath.

BAD WEEK
... To be a fascist in Southmead ... After the furore over the Panorama programme in which two Asian reporters were attacked and racially abused there, it turns out there are no BNP members living on the estate. If you believe the latest leaked membership list the BNP has about 170 paid-up members in the former Avon, including a few in Clifton and even in very multicultural Eastville. But none in Southmead. Maybe that's because the people who attacked the Panorama reporters would find filling out a membership form a bit too challenging, never mind goose-stepping and chewing gum at the same time.

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Subscribe

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now or we'll tell Tesco they can have their new superstore at your house, instead. Alternatively, call us on 0117 942 8491 or email s.butler@bepp.co.uk  to subscribe to Venue for just £4.99 a month!  

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Please remember...

To buy Venue. The management will show us a photograph of their bonus cheque if you do.

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Cheers then.
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