This Week's Spam

DECK THE BOSS WITH BALES OF HOLLY

Sorry, there's no more putting Christmas off. It's the thought that counts, after all. So bring a little seasonal joy to a newsagent somewhere by buying this week's Venue with:

Shopping Joy - It's a free Christmas gift guide. But it's different to all the others. This one's full of local presents from local shops, and none of your chain-store tat made by exploited third-world workers. With over 100 gift ideas, it'll also sort you with something for the hardest-to-please friends and rellies.

Chaka Khan - In Bristol for a three-way night of camp-as-you-like handbag hits, Chicago's mega-selling soul diva talks about a life battling greedy records labels, social inequality and 'the business'.

PLUS - Bristol's Next Big Things - the musical acts most likely to make it ... Win Bill Bailey DVDs! ... Richard Dawkins, Charlie Higson and Leveller Mark Chadwick interviewed ... The West's best fishmongers ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

* Or subscribe for only £4.99 a month! More details here: http://www.venue.co.uk/subs/index.html

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Circus Freak

"I came across it completely by accident. I work as a courier driver part-time and I happened to have a delivery down in Brock Street and came across the roundabout with a genteel Georgian backdrop and I thought 'I have got to put that into my calendar.'

"It was almost perfect, with people playing cricket and sitting on benches; in the 20s people were encouraged to wander on to roundabouts but you wouldn't get that on most roundabouts now. With the Circus roundabout, you could almost hear the sound of leather on willow."

Kevin Beresford, 57, told the Bath Chronicle that he considered the Circus roundabout in Bath so beautiful that he has included it in his Best of British Roundabouts UK calendar for 2010.

Mr Beresford, from Redditch, has won the Anorak of the Year award from The Oldie magazine, and is founder of the UK Roundabout Appreciation Society. The society has a membership of just one, with even Mr Beresford's wife refusing to join.

"A lot of my calendars are bought by women and I get emails from people all over the world," he said.

- Ffi: www.roundaboutsofbritain.com

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Right Hand Lover

Back when we met, I had no idea where my friendship with Paul Whitehouse might take us - this was 1977, we were both about 18 - too young to think about the future, and anyway we were punk rockers so there was NO FUTURE, MAAAAN. That was about as far as our adolescent minds stretched - to forming a punk band together. We named it The Right Hand Lovers. 'Fnarr, fnarr.' (Actually, I just tried putting 'right hand lovers' into a Google image search and came up with lots of pictures of Japanese girls in bikinis - not how I remembered it at all.) The band was very successful in the areas of Norwich and... Norwich.

- Comedian and children's author Charlie Higson, interviewed this issue.

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Chaka Chat

"Yeah, I'm a lot wiser these days. The industry has changed dramatically in the last 15 to 20 years, in our favour. We're able to take our talent straight to our audience in a way that we've never done before, without middle men and A&R people. There's more opportunity to create a brand through the internet, through concerts, through selling product ourselves. The days of big, dinosaur record labels are gone. They've had their day."

 - Soul legend Chaka Khan, interviewed this issue.

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Jokes

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache!"
"Brilliant! Let's have sex then!"
(Thanks Ellie)

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
(Thanks Jack)

John and Mary were really down on their luck. Both had recently been made redundant, but the bills and the mortgage still needed to be paid. Reluctantly, they decided the only thing for it was for Mary to work on the streets.
After her first day at "work", John drove down town to pick her up.

"So how did it go," he asked her nervously.
"Not too bad," she answered. "I made £200.50."
"What?!" said John. "What kind of scumbag paid you only 50p?" She replied: "All of them."
(Thanks Hills, you win this week's star prize. Mail us and we'll try and sort you a couple of CDs you won't hate.)

Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. Don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk  now and and let our inbox suck on your funnyness.

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Websites

Woo! Bristol Freemasons have a website! http://www.provinceofbristol.org.uk/index.htm

Dawkins sings about science (not really) - NB: Sweary!! http://www.rathergood.com/science

"Passive aggressive notes" http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com

Best online tribute to a dead pop star ever. http://eternalmoonwalk.com

Local wildlife artist http://www.marionkardasz.co.uk

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Competitions

Win!!!

The first feature film from Paul King, director of 'The Mighty Boosh', is a surreal (of course) road movie entirely set in a flat. And we've got a top-notch prize to give away to one lucky winner: two tickets to see the film, a 'Bunny and the Bull' T-shirt, and a complete 'Mighty Boosh' DVD box-set.

We also have three copies of Keynsham funny man Bill Bailey's DVD 'Bill Bailey's Remarkable Guide To The Orchestra', recorded at the Albert Hall with the BBC Concert Orchestra, musical maestro Anne Dudley and Bill himself as the irreverent tour guide.

To be in with a chance of winning either (or both) you'll just have to buy this week's Venue. Sorry, but that's how it goes.

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Say What

Good morning! My name is Councillor Gripweed, a member of Bristol's Liberal Democrat administration. In fact I am executive member for services. All of them. I'm calling on everyone in your street to see if you want your bins emptied this week.

Well, yes, of course.

Excellent! We have a very competitive offer at the moment. Just £5.99 for a big wheelie bin, and we'll turn on a street light as well. Please fill in this Direct Debit form.

Whaa ...?

I was also wondering if you'd like to sponsor an old person. Mrs Hargreaves can't get around as well as she used to, and all her family ignore her because she has no money to leave them. Just 10 pounds a month will get her a hot meal every fortnight or so. For an additional £2 the hot meal can have your name or company logo printed on it.

Isn't this what I pay Council Tax for? For you to do all that stuff already?

Times are different nowadays. Bristol's LibDem administration has had to move over to the RyanAir model of providing services. You only pay for the things you use.

But that's appalling! That just means fewer people will want to pay for schools, or social care if they don't have kids or disabled or elderly family members. Why didn't anyone tell me about this sooner?

You obviously didn't take out a subscription to Our Lovely City, the council's official newspaper, which only has good, happy news about how wonderful the council is doing. It's much less depressing than regular newspapers!

But... What about an informed electorate? What about democracy?

We've got a special offer on democracy this week...

When did all these changes happen?!

In 2009, when an all-party committee on the council started looking at different options for the future of Bristol's museums. The options included privatisation, setting up a trust and/or charging admission for individual exhibitions. Former councillor Paul Smith, now the Labour parliamentary candidate for Bristol West, suggested rather mischievously that the LibDems wanted to be a "Ryanair council", charging for everything. We laughed at the time, but then the government told us they'd had to spend all the country's money on bankers, so we had to do it anyway.

I'm going to be sick!

I can sell you this Ryanair sickbag. Only one previous owner. And you'll be paying for a pencil for an inner city school!

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Subscribe

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now or we'll tell everyone about your secret life as a high-class call girl . Alternatively, call us on 0117 942 8491 or email s.butler@bepp.co.uk  to subscribe to Venue for just £4.99 a month! 

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Please remember...

Don't forget to buy Venue. The management will make us all become high-class call girls if you don't.

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Cheers then.
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